I hate mirrors. I hate how clear they are, I can see everything I dont want to see.
Right now I stand in front of the one in the bathroom of the hotel room, last night we arrived in some small town and just got a hotel. Tyde suggested we go to the beach and I didn't want to say no because that would be suspicious.
Okay back to the mirror thing, I hate it.
I stand in my bikini top and shorts and just look at my body. It's not good. Not cute.
Luckily I brought a really big flannel I can use as a cover up, it'll cover my body and also my cuts. He'll never know.
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But what if he gets suspicious because I'm not going in??? I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
"Hey, can I come in?" I hear from outside of the door.
Before I answer I look around real quick for my flannel but I can't find it. That's great.
"Yeah," I reply as I try to figure something out but just end up crossing my arms over my chest.
"I left my phone," he states as he reaches to grab it and then he studies my face pretty quickly.
"What's wrong?" he cups my cheek and makes me look up at him.
"Nothing really, just a kinda bad day,"
Eh, maybe a little bit of a lie.
But I am having a bad day. Yesterday went pretty well so I think both of us expected some day soon to go poorly, I guess that's today.
...
He's totally suspicious. We've been here for a good hour and I have just sat here on the towel. He's on some photography kick so he's been taking about a million pictures so he did that for awhile but now I think he's starting to realise something's really wrong with me.
I'm also so hot this is not going well.
"Are you not like, really hot?" he speaks my thoughts from the spot next to me. I look in his direction and he's looking through the pictures he's taken on his camera.
"No I'm fine," I feel so bad that I keep lying to him but I don't want him to know yet.
"I think I know why you won't take that off, and why you don't want to go in," he continues to look through the pictures, not looking at me.
"Why?"
"Because it'll burn,"
Damn it.
"How did you know?" I look away from him and down at my hands.
"Because you love the beach, it's hot as hell, and you've been wearing lots of sleeves,"
Ugh
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to relapse but it just kinda happened, you know what it's like,"
"I know, I just wish you would talk to me," he finally sits his camera down.
"I try but whenever I convince myself that I need to my thoughts just get all drowned out by the bad ones. They say you don't care, or won't listen and I tend to believe those more," I admit and feel him move closer to me.
"It will feel way better if you tell me what's on your mind instead of holding it all in, trust me on that. I've been there. Bottling it up will make the relapses and the thoughts worse,"
He's totally right. Letting out all of my sad onto my wrists has seriously caused them to be way worse than before.
"You don't have to talk about anything right now but please take this off its making me hot just looking at you in this," he tugs on the sleeve of my flannel. I hesitate just a second and then remove it and feel much better. Better because I don't have to hide anything else and better because I'm not burning up anymore.
But then I'm no longer much better as I realise I'm just in my bikini top and shorts. No this is not fun anymore.
And then I begin to panic, ugh crap.
My breathing gets faster and he seems to notice.
"Hey, hey, hey, it's alright," he moves even closer and grabs my hand.
Surprisingly it doesn't get any worse as he talks me through it and I calm down before it's a full blown panic attack.
But I'm still not doing that great. I feel pretty panicky.
I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs as tight as I can without hurting myself. I lean my head on my knees and I feel Tyde begin to play with my hair, it's nice.
He does this for awhile and then rubs circles on my back, he knows exactly how to make me feel better and I love it.
I don't cry but honestly I need to. There's just nothing there, that's pretty sad.
"Baby," he breaks the silence between us, "what happened? What set that off?"
I let go of my legs but keep them bent and he returns his hand to my hair.
"I've just been so insecure lately and I realised that people could see most of me and I kinda freaked out, sorry," I don't mean to apologise but I do again.
"Don't be sorry, you seriously need to break the habit of saying that after everything. I know saying this probably won't help much but you really have nothing to be insecure over. Everything about you is so beautiful,"
That used to help but it really doesn't anymore.
...
We ended up leaving not long after the whole almost panic attack thing and then decided to take a bit of a break from our road trip and stay in the hotel for another night.
We're not necessarily doing anything right now and that's always fun. We sit on the couch, I'm scrolling through Instagram and he's next to me on his laptop working on a set for amplify which is next week, meaning he'll be leaving me for a week and a half. Sad.
There honestly couldn't be a worse time for him to leave.
I get bored of the stuff on my feed and turn my phone off, sit it in my lap, and lean my head on his shoulder and watch him work on his stuff. I can't hear what he's doing but I know it's probably amazing.
"I don't want to leave you alone during all of this, do you maybe want to come with me," he takes his earbuds out and pushes his laptop off of his lap and onto the couch.
I would love to go but I think it would make me feel worse.
"You can say no, won't hurt my feelings," he grabs my hand.
"I think it would just make things worse, like I really would like to go but it won't be fun for either of us if I'm all depressed and stuff," I feel bad because I want to be there and support him.
"Thats fine, are you sure you'll be okay here alone?" He asks and I nod. Either way I will probably end up more broken but I don't want to weigh him down on tour.
"Promise me you'll call me before you even consider doing that again," he points to my wrist.
"I promise," A/n
Hey!!! Idk what to talk about but I wanna say hi and if you have finals or EOCs coming up, good luck!!
