Becoming Bad Again

Chapter 3

I glanced down at my wrists. I still hadn't believed I had done that. I relapsed after years of being clean. How does that even happen? If anyone knew they'd be ashamed. I was supposed to be stronger than this, but I wasn't. I had failed.

I laid on my couch with only a towel around my waist. I had planned on going out, but now I can't. I'm in too bad of a mood for that.

After I relapsed I felt relief. Then, that relief turned into emptiness. It didn't really hit me that I had relapsed until after my shower.

Honestly, I felt so much better, but at the same time I felt guilty. I should have never let it get this far. Usually, I try to drown myself in positivity when I get this way and I didn't.

I think it was the stress from the new album. It was definitely getting to us all. I couldn't let Michael, Calum, or Luke in on what I did. I would only burden them further than what I already did.

I stared down at the angry red lines left behind from last night. It was almost like they were taunting me. They were telling me how badly I messed up. Just like how I mess everything up.

I shook my head to try to clear out the negative thoughts. I had to finish getting ready for rehearsal. Even though we play these songs literally every other day, management still wants us to practice together do they sound perfect every time. Then, we also have to practice and learn the new songs off the next album. Those are trickier since we won't be playing them as much as the old stuff.

I quickly slipped on a jacket as well as several bracelets to hide the new scars in my collection. The boys will probably be suspicious, especially after what Michael saw yesterday. However, I'm hoping that it will be one of those things where if they can't see it then it's not there. That's how my Mum was when things first started to go wrong.

I quickly headed to the studio where a majority of our rehearsals are held now. I was running a few minutes late, but I didn't think it would matter that much. I was obviously wrong when I walked inside only to be met with three angry bandmates.

"Where have you been, Ash?" Luke stressfully ran a hand through his hair.

"Sorry I was running late." I explained.

"Of course you were..." Calum mumbled under his breathe. I pretended like I didn't hear it, but it was obvious he wanted me to.

"You know," Michael started to rant. "I used to really respect you Ash. I mean like I looked up to you. Now, I can't say that anymore. You're always late and you're always dragging us down as a band. It's starting to get really old. So, you can either get it together or leave!"

"I'm sorry." My voice was small. I hadn't even realized they felt like that until now. I've always viewed them as my friends since day one, but now it's obvious that they never viewed me the same way. I'm just the drummer, and I'm lucky enough that they haven't replaced me yet with someone better.

"Ashton, I..." Michael trailed off when I refused to make eye contact. I don't want to hear fake apologies from him. I walked over to my Drum Kit and sat down.

"Let's just start, ok?" I said, picking up my drumsticks. I couldn't do this right now. Truthfully, I just wanted to run out that door, but I stopped running from my problems years ago.

"Aren't you going to take off your jacket?" Calum asked. "We can't stop if you get over-heated."

"Oh yeah." I blinked. "I forgot I was wearing it."

I took of my jacket and set it to the side. I was left in my tank top and many bracelets. Luke gave me a strange look, but I chose to ignore him. If they couldn't see it, then it wasn't there. Thankfully, I mastered the art of hiding scars years ago.

We immediately jumped into playing 'Girls Talk Boys'. There was an awkward tension that had filled the room after Michael's outburst and it was affecting us all. Most people probably wouldn't have noticed it, but there just wasn't as much soul in the music. The die-hard fans probably would have noticed it, and then they probably would have blamed me. It's safe to say that I'm certainly not the favorite member of the band. If I wasn't so loud, fans probably wouldn't even know who I am. I'm just the guy holding the drumsticks. Sure I sing a little, but it's hard for me to drum while I'm singing.

We were halfway through our third song of the day when I started to feel a dull ache in my arm. It's all starting to come back to me. Drumming this much on fresh cuts really isn't that good. All of the movement combined with the bracelets rubbing up against them just causes a bunch of irritation. I powered through it, though. I couldn't let my band down anymore than I already have.

We had finally finished the first set, when I felt the warm liquid start to trail down my arm. I quickly excused myself to go to the bathroom, much to my bandmates displeasure. I immediately went to the sink and pulled off my bracelets. A few of my cuts had popped open, but not a lot. It felt worse than it actually was. I cleaned the wounds and stopped the bleeding, before slipping my bracelets back on.

"You okay, Ashton?" I was met by Luke as I walked out of the door.

"I'm fine. Why?" I asked, trying my best to appear normal.

"You're kind of pale....and then with what Michael said..." Luke trailed off.

"Michael was right. I haven't exactly been as serious as I could be. I'm going to try not to let that affect you guys anymore. I promise."

"No. Michael was way out of line. He had no right to say any of that to you." Luke argued.

"Thanks Luke." I faked a smile. Luke bought it and continued into the bathroom. It disappointed me a little bit that he bought it so easily, but I guess that shows my true worth.

"Pathetic." I whispered to myself again. This time no one was around to actually care about how I degraded myself, and that made me sink even deeper.