Breathless • Malec

xix. Alec

"Magnus," I said tonelessly. I couldn't feel anything. I tried to find my heartbeat, tried to take in what was happening. I just felt numb.

"Let me explain, Alec-"

But I didn't hear anything else that Magnus said. I felt like the wind was rushing through my ear, clouding everything that was happening. I replayed the situation in my mind; Magnus and that woman talking closely; Magnus and her kissing each other. I looked up at him blankly.

"No," I said, my voice cracking. "Good... Goodbye. It was a mistake coming here."

"Alexander, darling, please don't say that-" he grabbed my forearm, pulling me closer. I grimaced and pulled away from him.

We looked at each other, neither of us knowing what to say. I knew there wasn't anything to be said. Magnus obviously didn't care anymore.

And Magnus caring was the only thing that had ever mattered.

I bit my lip, then turned away, running out the door and down the block. It was close to one in the morning and I had spent the last three hours searching the town's various bars and clubs to find him.

Apparently, he didn't want to be found. I was almost certain the only reason that he had tried to talk to me in the first place was because he had forgotten to break up with me before making out with someone else.

I stopped at the corner, next to the thrift store where I had found Magnus's Christmas present. I looked away, holding back tears. I just didn't want to think anymore.

I kept walking with no destination in mind. I couldn't go back to the dorm. Not with what Jace and I had talked about earlier. "Go get your man," Jace had told me. That had backfired.

I felt a hand clasp my shoulder and I jumped. Turning around, I came face to face with a breathless Magnus.

I stared at him for a few seconds, shocked that he had come after me. "What do you want?"

I dropped his eyes, looking down and wringing his hands as he spoke. "Alexander-"

"No," I said icily. "You don't get to call me that anymore."

His eyes came back up to his face, his mouth parted open slightly. I could see something broken in his eyes, but I tried to brush my feelings back.

"Okay," he said shakily. "Can I please explain?"

I crossed my arms, giving him my best "I don't care" expression, even though I felt like any second I was going to combust. I nodded.

"Thank you," he said. "I'm so sorry, Alexan- Alec." He looked up at me. "It wasn't what it looked like. I promise."

"Then what was it?" I shouted, surprising myself. Magnus's eyes went wide and shiny. "Because, to me, it looked like you were having a good time with that chick before I came and ruined your moment."

"She's not some chick," Magnus said softly back. "She's one of my ex's-"

"Oh great." I sighed angrily. "You chose your ex over me. Tell me, Magnus, did I ever mean anything to you?"

"I can't believe you're asking me that," Magnus said, offended. "Camille isn't anything to me, Alec. I promise. All she did was use me and she was trying to do it again. When she first came to visit me, she tried it too. I don't know how she knew I was in that club, but I had told her to get out of town."

"She visited you?" I asked. "When?"

Magnus put his face in his hands. "It's not important, Alec."

"Magnus."

"It was right before we started dating," he sighed. "Nothing happened, I promise."

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" I asked. "If nothing happened, why didn't you tell me?"

"It just wasn't important!" Magnus yelled. "Nothing about her is important, Alec."

"Are you sure?" I asked. "Are you really sure? Because I'm starting to think that you don't think I'm important."

"You have to be kidding me, Alec," he said through gritted teeth. "Just a few hours ago you told me that you might be in love with Jace. Not me, your boyfriend."

I clenched my fist. "I'm not in love with Jace," I admitted. "I know I'm not." I'm in love with you, I wanted to say.

"How do you know?" Magnus yelled, taking a step back. "This whole time we've been together, you haven't been sure that I'm the one you want. I've been your backup plan. How do you think that makes me feel? Knowing that the person I love doesn't love me as much as I love him." Now a few tears had escaped from his eyes. He quickly wiped them away. "How do you know, Alec?"

"Because," I said shakily. "I kissed him." Magnus looked at me, speechless. "And I didn't feel anything."

"You kissed him?"

"Magnus," I said. "I love you. That's why I had to do it. I had to know."

"No," Magnus said. All of the sadness seemed to drain out of him, replaced by anger. "You do not get to blame me for it."

"That's not what I'm trying to do," I explained. "I feel everything when I'm with you. Because I just love you, Magnus. I didn't want to love Jace, and now I know that it's you. It's always been you."

Magnus looked down. "The unconquerable pang of despised love," he muttered bitterly. "That's what William Woodsworth said. And I suppose that's what got us in the end." He paused for a few seconds, fiddling with the rings on his fingers.

"What do you mean 'the end'?" I asked, ice running through my veins. He looked down blankly. "Magnus, please," I pleaded.

"I should've told you about Camille," he said tiredly. "But you kissed Jace." He sighed, folding his hands together. "Alec, I love you. I love you much, much more than I should. I love you so much that it's dangerous."

"But," I said. "There's always a but." Everything had gone numb again. I could only feel the hot tears sliding down my cheeks and a sharp pain in my chest.

"I can't do this anymore. I can't keep loving someone who doesn't love me. I can't do that again. It would break me, Alec."

"I do love you, Magnus," I whimpered. I knew I looked pathetic, but I didn't care. I couldn't lose Magnus. I couldn't.

"I'm sorry, Alexander," he said, reaching up to wipe the tears off of my cheek. He left his hand there for a moment, then kissed my cheek tenderly. "I love you," he whispered into my ear. I held his hand up to my cheek and more tears fell.

"Magnus, please," I whispered brokenly. "Don't do this."

He looked at me one last time, then turned away, walking off into the night.

I stood there, silently. After a while, the tears stopped.

The pain didn't.