Downpour | Kim Taehyung

chapter 23

If there was one thing I regret, that would be asking Taehyung about his mom.

Ever since that day, we hadn't talked much. He'd still smile at Aeri, converse with Somi, and greet me good morning quite cordially, but other than that, he avoided me.

At first, it didn't bother me, since it really wasn't part of our agreement to be friendly with each other. But after a few more days, it started to irk me.

First, after he had known what had happened while he was gone, we somehow had a silent agreement to be friends again—or so that was how I interpreted the way he said he wasn't going to leave again.

Second, what the hell was wrong with my question? Did I have no right to ask? Besides, I took it back— And he said okay!

And third, I had been very patient with him, despite being so clueless for his sudden disappearance and respected that he didn't say a word about it.

But really, now? He literally treated me like thin air. Even at work.

He confused me so much. Our relationship had been a push and pull lately. But it was more of a single step forward, and a hundred ways backward.

I just didn't know where I stood anymore.

Hence, I decided I didn't want to see him today, much more the succeeding days.

What's the difference?

He wouldn't want to face me anyway. Why not do him a favor and distance myself so he didn't have to make an effort?

"Where are you going?"

"Home."

"You're not going to wait for Taehyung?" Minji curiously asked.

"No, not today," I replied, crunching my nose up lightly. I had enough of the tension during our car rides on the way home.

I didn't like this at all, but Taehyung's actions were not something I had any control over.

It was starting to drain me out. Everything just made me emotionally tired and frustrated, like I wanted to sleep through it and just wake up with things finally back in place.

The coldness between Taehyung and I only stirred up unwanted memories, and not a single inch of me wanted them.

Car rides could be evaded. But not dinner.

Despite the fact that I stood up Taehyung today, he still knocked on my door and called us for dinner. He projected nothing but a calm demeanor as neither of us spoke.

I'd rather he question me as to why I didn't wait for him than let silence engulf us. Of course the answer was too evident, but right now, all I wanted was a head start for me to open up the matter at hand. I was so close to just leaving his apartment for good. I felt like I'd just break anytime soon.

So after dinner, as soon as I finished changing Aeri into her sleepwear and letting her play on her crib—the usual night routine before her bedtime—I confronted Taehyung.

"Taehyung, look," I began sternly, "if you're feeling so restricted like last time when the girl came, or because you feel so tied up whenever I worried about you or ask about your personal matters, tell me." I paused as something came into my mind.

"Actually...you don't even need to do that." I nodded to myself. "Let me leave on my own so you don't have to do anything. Just give me a day or two, and I'll be gone here. And the papers? You can file a divorce if you feel so caged."

"I'm so sorry. But I'm still truly thankful towards you for helping me. Also, I'm just so sorry that I couldn't help but get curious and frustrated over the fact that you suddenly left me before without any explanation, and until now I have no clue at all. But I'm more sorry because I guess I'm not worth your trust. I guess it's my fault." I sighed exasperatedly. "Everything's my fault. I'm sorry that we had to meet again."

It's all my stupid fault because I can't get over what happened before and I'm still looking for answers.

With my chest heaving unsteadily, we both stood in deafening silence. I knew too well that I, too, had screwed up. Taehyung didn't seem like he'd be giving any explanation anytime soon, much less any opposition to my words.

This is it, huh?

A glum expression tainted my face as I pivoted on my heel.

"Wait," he finally spoke up for what seemed like eternity and I halted. "That's not what I mean."

"Then what?" My voice cracked. Oh, how I hated it every time it did. It made me sound so weak. "You're confusing me too much, I don't know anymore."

"It's not like I'm going to keep it from you," he reasoned, "I just feel like a complete jerk every time."

I spun around slowly to face him, anticipating more.

"There's no valid explanation for leaving you. That's why I couldn't tell you, I don't know how to start." A solemn look hovered his profile, eyes busy on the floor.

"I'll listen," I whispered. "Did you forget that I always listened, Taehyung? We always listened to each other."

"And I didn't want to take advantage of that," he immediately said.

"Just tell me, I know I'd understand. I prefer to know, be it shallow or deep. I just don't want to be clueless and pretend nothing happened. I'd be the judge of myself. Let me know," I emphasized the last three words.

His chest heaved up before he blew a deep sigh. He ran his fingers through his hair in distress.

"I just thought everything's fine the way they are right now, and telling you my reasons would just make you hate me more. It's not even close to a valid excuse."

"My mind hadn't let me rest ever since I found out what really happened when I left..." he paused, as if he were recollecting his thoughts. "Lately, I also found out what happened to you. I thought my problems were enough to cover up my disappearance because you've been fine. That was what I thought."

"But I was way too wrong, and I discovered everything too late," he uttered. "I'm always late."

Despite still being clueless, I could feel his guilt, eating him up inside, and I'd admit that the first year he left, I wanted those same feelings to taunt him. But the present held so much difference. As much as it pained him, it pained me to see him like this, too.

Because Taehyung wasn't like this. I wasn't used to him being like this. And I don't think I ever would be.

He had always been the person who'd be there for someone, and he wouldn't hesitate as long as his shoulders could bear the weight of the matter.

So when did Taehyung ever lean on someone? It was always him being leaned on.

Never had I been more muddled with my feelings; Anger, emptiness, sympathy, grief and a hundred more emotions flooded inside me all at the same time that all I wanted to do now was cry and give up.

When Taehyung finally spoke up telling me everything from the beginning, an all too familiar memory flashed through my eyes and I couldn't help but feel a rush of hatred inside of me.

Hatred for myself more than for Taehyung.

I was too self-centered to even think about it; too consumed with the concept of him leaving and not bothering to check on me.

Because in the end, between the two of us, no one was to blame. It was just fate playing a cruel tune to our lives at the most unfortunate moment.

— ✿ —

❝#512 in Fanfiction, y'all keep on surprising me like hOW

anyway, I honestly don't like these kinds of situations, plus I probably suck more at writing scenes like this ;-; I'm so sorry. we're going back to fluff shortly, please hang on there. if you're getting ticked with the push and pulls, I just need to scatter them to clear out the blunders and conflicts between the two, so they can finally have their happy ending—or not (hehehehehe joke bYE)

also, to everyone still reading this, thank you and I love you loads ♡❞