delivered

88

(unedited)

lungs crumbling, eyes blurring and heart stopping to a single beat every three seconds, phil let himself lean back against the frame of the bed, his knees drawn to his chest and his head tilted back, barely resting on the unmade bed. his spine was waiting to be cracked, pale skin stretched in the same position since the past two hours, the ends of his fringe choppy and fawning all over his forehead.

he had no idea what to feel, what to think or what to do. suddenly, all his happiness, all his sorrow, all his strengths and weaknesses and memories and affection and the will to live-all of it was gone. his reason to breathe, his source of motivation, the only person he had ever truly loved-all of it.

the contradiction within him-wrenching emptiness and unbearable fullness-was breaking him apart and sucking him in all at once. his thoughts were so unbelievably wild, filing out of his brain and filling up his mind all at once. chaotic memories attacking his head and piling up on top of each other, almost breaking through phil's skull in the process and the utter betrayal waiting to fly out of phil's heart just to never come back.

he wasn't sure if he wanted to cherish his moments with dan or completely get rid of him, the thought of dan was only bitter to him. it reminded him of all the years, all the love, all his heart that he has wasted on the wrong person. somewhere, he was beginning to believe that all the memories they have shared were not theirs at all-they weren't meant to be together.

young love, he had now realised, could be the biggest mistake of one's life, the entire experience is bittersweet-togetherness slowly ripping apart into loneliness and similarities birthing misunderstandings. he didn't know what he was heartbroken about the most, the fact that he has let dan go or the reality that dan wasn't his to let go of.

he didn't think he would ever regret falling in love with a person, right now, he's regretting both that, and the fact that they had adopted such a mature child when they themselves had their relationship falling apart. adrian was supposed to be the binding glue of their crumbling relationship, the final stitch to the ripping apart marriage and the only fuel to keep their love aflame, to stop it from burning out.

imagining the morose expression on adrian's face when he's aware of the news of his parents' divorce, the downfall in his grades because he can barely focus on anything else but his ruined family, the way he will slowly start losing trust in everything breaks phil all over again.

amidst his clouded vision and scattered thoughts, he barely feels his phone buzzing next to him on the floor, the screen taking time to get in focus as phil wipes under his eyes, flushed cheeks puffing when he reads his mother's name flashing on the screen.

he hasn't spoken to her in weeks. he's aware how his own family was attached to dan as much if not more than they were attached to phil, how the brown haired boy had always been their favourite amongst their own sons. he knows he'll be breaking several hearts along with his own when he finally reveals the reality of the situation to everyone.

"mum?" phil's voice is not steady, its wavering and shaky and anyone would be able to tell that he has been crying for a while.

"phil? are you alright?"

"yeah of course," phil lies, clearing his throat so he can properly speak. he can't bring himself to break the news to his mother, especially just before christmas.

"oh okay, i was just on my way to your place so just asking if you wanted me to pick something up on the way?"

"y-you're coming here?" phil stutters, his previously flushed face losing all colour and his tongue stammering, struggling to string words together.

"yeah is that a problem? just thought we'll spend christmas with you, dan and adrian, we haven't seen you guys in a long time,"

"y-yeah of course," phil bites his cheek, his blunt nails digging into his thigh so he can will himself to say something, anything that will make his mother aware of the situation but his already broken heart refuses to break further when it will hear the utter confusion underlying in his mother's voice when she asks him what went wrong.

"alright, tell dan i miss him! i have made his favourite cookies, and adrian too, this year i have succeeded in knitting him a scarf,"

"what about me?" phil manages to joke half heartedly despite of the situation, a small smile forming on his face when he hears the muffled laughter of his mother on the line.

"oh, i'm enough of a gift for you,"

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sorry for the wait !!!!!! also this is so shitty i apologise

i have so many assignments and zero internet pls kill me