The Journal of a Heartbroken Girl

Day 16

"I reread our old messages and cried because you promised to be there for me. You lied."

And maybe he didn't lie but he broke his promise. I kept mine. Not anymore.

I miss babying someone. I miss being so in love and expressing that feeling. It was amazing.

He seemed so happy the day he spent the night. Then everything shifted. I got annoyed he was so different in school. I couldn't take it anymore. He felt it. It was obvious. I never tried to hide it. I couldn't take it anymore. I blew up.

We cried. We expressed feelings. Somehow, even now with my knowledge of this not being my fault I still don't get why he couldn't have tried to make it work.

The only conclusion I get to is that maybe he never cared as I thought he did.

He blamed it on The way he was brought up and how he is. He always did that. He never had to explain himself until then. He cared. I'll never be able to pin point when that changed. It'll never be clear.

He's lost but he's playing games.

At this rate I don't think we're friends and I have the gut feeling we will never be.

The day we came back from break I just wanted a hug. Maybe I still needed it-- but I sure as hell don't want it. Not from him.

He still never responded this morning. This is it. This is the end of our streak.

Our last polo game is today which means they'll be no more practices or games to see him at.

Lunch was normal now. I came. Asked something. He answered. I ate. I left.

He tagged along to our polo game. He sat with a girl on the bus. This was the second time.

It doesn't bother me in the way you'd think. I'm not jealous. I'm bothered that he does it with the intent to make me feel bad. Who does that? Why?

You know what sucks?

Call me a friend but treat others around you more like a friend than me. Don't forget I know all your secrets. I know your past. I promised to always be there even if it didn't work out. I did it because I know you and I know sometimes people need to talk to those who know them best. If you want to start fresh with someone new like I never existed, I can't stop you.

But why try to erase me? You wanted this first. You tried to end it. You seemed perfectly okay with being my friend that day and the day after. I don't know what happened to you, What changed?

If I could tell you something it'd be to stop being a coward. How dare you run over my heart and make out like you never did it.

How dare you.

I screenshot this. I posted it on my story. I needed him to see it the only way I knew he would.

And he did.

And he questioned it.

"...is this at me like I'm not trying to make it my business or anything but I just want to know because I'm slow..."

"Truthfully yes. You're very confusing. I'm very tired. I also don't know how to express things that I can't keep to myself because I can't for you to talk to me. Goodnight."

Opened. Never responded to.

Story: "Nothing ever happened. I didn't exist."

He saw it. He responded.

"There's nothing I can do can I?"

"What?"

He responded with something along the lines of me dissing him all the time on my story was mean.

I explained that it was the only way I could express myself and be sure he'd see it without having to talk to him. Although I'd rather talk to him and tell him, I can't. We're strangers now and talking to him in person seems awkward and unlikely. Texting him would probably be a lost cause. I think he'd ignore me. He has.  I apologized for seeming to diss him publicly but informed him I needed to let it go somehow.

"Ok I'm sorry"

"It's okay. This is just the way things are I guess. Goodnight."

Opened almost immediately. Never responded to.