thirteen reasons why ↣ riverdale

elizabeth cooper

❝IN THE LIGHT, SHE FOUND THE DARKNESS.❞

☽

the alarm went off, blasting a loud thump of unbearable noise early this morning.

i was breathing, but not living.

6:48, written in red lighting, and for some other students, they'd be rushing to head to school. but today, i wasn't anybody else, i was never gonna be. with this weight i keep feeling every night and every morning, i felt the need to leave.

after the end of the summer party, it was a domino effect of events that i wished i never witnessed. but because of him, i tried to gave all of this another chance.

they said that i should get help and i did. i tried to open up to mr. weatherbee but i guess it's just "all in my head."

i tried and shake it off. i plastered that same old mask i put everyday to not bring everyone down. they caught up with it, as per usual. with veronica's struggles with the up and coming fall season collection of gucci, archie's growing music career, kevin's rendezvous with joaquin, cheryl's consistent comparison with jason and jughead's top notch sardonic comments with everyone's whiny stories, it wasn't like this was any other day. it was always like that and i always hated it.

i feel like the weight and the hefty feeling around are slowly taking a hold of me that i no longer know what else can help me realize that there's hope. i felt like i was drowning and everyone's just watching from the coast, showing no reaction or emotions. but a time came wherein i just accepted the fact i was drowning.

i would be lying if i said i didn't see a ray of light shine on me when he tried to talk to me. i couldn't lie, but he was my only lifeline. i forced myself to be hopeful that everyone would turn out like him. we talked by the field and probably for one last time, i let out a giggle and a smile.

when he let me lean over his shoulders and just release everything for a moment, i felt like life was still worth something. something that was beautiful.

because of what i still felt for him, i leaned in and kissed him. i felt defeated when he pushed me and i'm sorry, very sorry. he told me that he just wanted to be friends and i was alright, really. i guess, it was much better so no one would get hurt...or at least one of us.

i went through the day like always. mr. needler would always call me out in class most of the time but before i leave, i want to leave with a sense of mystery.

for a moment, mr. needler shook his head as he sees me raising my hand but he smiled afterwards. then suddenly, the class was dismissed and as per usual, i went my way with my own set of clique.

i maintained that mask all through the day. but through my peripheral view, i see him looking at me with worry? i guess. i ignored it because i already seemed desperate by kissing him a while ago.

i was left at pop's...or i asked them to. continuing with the order of my plans, i tried to change my orders. i decided to order a double chocolate milkshake with the onion rings. well, it was great until he came by again and even sat in front of me.

he sat in front of me, silently, as i tried to ignore him. he was kind enough to respect when i told him that i wasn't talking to anybody that time. but i kind of felt guilty so i left and of course i told him to leave as well so that i can, somehow, return his respect.

i had no choice but to head back home, to a place where i grew up more afraid than happy. but i learned to survive.

walking through the misty atmosphere around our block, i had time to think about what i was about to do. if i had let out more tears and frowns than laughs and smiles, doesn't it say something? my lifeline, my only lifeline, is probably gone.

i reach out for the icy cold knob, hesitant to twist it, afraid what war i was about to undertake. as per usual, it was my parents, screaming at the top of their lungs.

what happened next was something that scared me. my dad dragged me into their war but thank you mom for saving me.

but was it enough? no.

the waterworks couldn't help but breakdown. the ongoing war outside presented itself inside me. the war i've been facing with has turned me in a way where the i no longer see my lifeline.

but the life inside me is still fighting, believing the lifeline i once held on. i tried to just sleep it off, but i learned that it doesn't happen that way.

those familiar thumping made the anxiety grow even more. it was my dad and his undeniable rage problems. i drive myself to the corner of my room, praying silently. as he tried to reach for me, i fought back and my mom tried to pull him out of my room.

i let loose of the waterworks and let out some cries of help too. it was the concluding chapter of my chain reaction.

my mom fought my dad off and made me stay away from my room so that i wouldn't trigger my own father.

the melancholia of my life had finally taken over me.

calling him for one last time, for closure purposes, sneaking out and cleaning my room to finally end things.

i silently went back to that tight bathroom of ours and sat by the tub, holding out my bottle of antidepressants. popping one, two, three until it reached a two-digit count of the pills. my hand filled with with white tablets, i felt hesitant to swallow them.

but as i close my eyes, i saw the chaos i constantly encounter. it was my final push to take those pills. i sat by the tub and closed my eyes, hoping that this could already end.

tears poured, one last time, and i let the one last hopeful breath i had, go.

pure darkness was how i ended this story called life, just like how i remembered growing in it.