matty healy imagines

one week // matty

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🌼 go read angelic if you haven't yet !!

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Monday.
We went into the job centre today. Well, I say we but mean I. I went into the job centre today. Honestly, I just pretended he was with me, like he was meant to. We both need to earn to live.
Only he had completely lost the ability to wake up in time to do so, no matter how many pints of water I forced him to gulp down his throat.
With him loosing his inhibitions again last night way more than he needed, I was alone again. Well, he was sprawled across the settee slurring curse words and insults at every scene of the movie we had on right next to me. But still, I was alone.
Tuesday.
Inevitably, the landlord came to check on his property this afternoon. I wasn’t surprised, I wouldn’t trust us either. He’s visiting more often now. I know why but we don’t want to loose our apartment too so I don’t tell him.
It’s the stench really, the lingering, eery smell that creeps in every corner of our small place. The smell that I spend hours trying to get rid of by cleaning and leaving the windows open till were about to freeze, but then Matty lights it up again.
It’s almost like he lights it up just to watch me run around correcting his mistake of doing so. I’m so thankful I haven’t inhabited that revolting addiction, so it could be worse, right?
Wednesday.
People have started gathering outside, knocking on our door and shouting threats through open windows. Matty says to keep the curtains closed and the door locked. It makes no difference, I can still hear them.
Fear knows it’s way around the crevices of my brain and is not hesitant with holding itself back. None of this would happen if Matthew wasn’t the biggest smoker in town and the one who’s known for always being high. And I do mean always.
They wouldn’t assume he was willing to sell the box full of weed that’s stashed in his bedroom, for a reasonably high price if he had listened to me before any of this started. I’ve warned him that will be the last box, he just nodded halfheartedly though. Not paying much attention.
I hardly know if it’s worth telling him anymore. Encouraging him to stop ruining his beautiful body. He won’t listen anyway, he won’t care. He never does.
Thursday.
He’s tried to make a move on me in the past. I didn’t particularly mind at first but again, he was drunk, high and was just looking for another lay. I didn’t want that.
The feelings I have for him are way too strong to be even remotely compared with just having meaningless sex to please him. Also the way he said “if were gonna do anything, we might as well just fuck” just frustrated me, making me feel like I’ve no other use to him.
Today though he was fully aware of his actions. He wasn’t as drunk, wasn’t as high as usual. It began with him complimenting my features; my smile, my ‘glinting’ eyes and generally comparing me to a model by admitting that I have a ‘face straight out a magazine’. Which of course in other cases I wouldn’t react because he’d be off his face. It was different this time. There was a genuine glow to my cheeks.
Once he started moving closer to me, twisting my hair around his nimble finger, nuzzling into my neck and his eyes never leaving my face, that’s when I clocked that he wanted something.
“Matty?” I mumbled, glancing at him.
“Y/N?” He hummed back humorously. His hand gently carving imaginary pictures on my thigh.
“What’s wrong?” I question and he stops.
“Wrong? There’s nothing wrong. In fact something might be right.” He smirked, catching my eye on the word ‘right’. “Yeah. So far it’s alright. Don’t you think?” He tilted his head towards me, my reflexes forcing me to turn my head to him. Which only made Matty lean his forehead against mine.
“Yeah, well I don’t know. You’re acting different.” I innocently searched his eyes for an answer explaining his actions but there was nothing there. No emotion. And I didn’t like that. Still don’t.
“Different. I like different.” Matty whispered, more to himself than to me. That doesn’t mean it didn’t send shivers crawling down my spine. I tried to analyse his actions in a matter of seconds, before his hand reached to my cheek and tucked the stray hairs that lied there behind my ear delicately.
Averting his eyes to my mouth, I could sense his craving for the taste of it. I shifted my eyes up to his, him doing the same, his hand cupping my cheek and stroking it with his thumb.
I’ve played this scene in my dreams so many times and now that it was tangible I didn’t like it. I didn’t want it to happen.
All because I saw no emotion in his eyes like I had hoped. Because when I did have so much passion visible in my eyes that I’d saved up to use to kiss his beautifully sculpted lips, he mistook it for consent. Consent and devotion that I had for him then that I’d now exchanged for confusion and self-doubt.
His finger pressed under my chin softly to bring my lips level with his. I didn’t want this to happen. But I’d wanted it for so long before that nothing could stop me. “You’re so beautiful.” He whispered like he was gasping in awe. I couldn’t stop peering into his eyes, searching for a glint of emotion but there was nothing there, again. Matty ghosted his lips over mine, thinking he was teasing me but he thought wrong. His lips formed into a smirk, and moved closer, and closer. So close until our lips touched for a second.
His eyes jolted back up to mine to see the mistaken consent again, and that’s all he needed.
Our lips pressed together in a sweet kiss with evident taste of alcohol but no feeling. You know how people talk about having sparks fly everywhere? That didn’t happen. And it broke my heart to receive the sensation of feeling nothing when you kiss someone so special to you.
I broke the kiss fast. As fast as the tears splashed off my face onto Matty’s hand that was resting on my thigh. “Hey, hey. What’s the matter?” he sounded muffled through my clouding thoughts.
“I-I can’t do this right now Matty.” I cried a little more, getting up to leave.
“Y/N you’ve always wanted this. I can tell. What’s the problem?” he asked with concern which I’d never thought I’d hear in his voice.
“Look I’d rather not talk about it now.” I dismissed him because if I did I’d sob infront of him and I don’t want him to witness that.
Before he had any chance to speak I’d already left and was in my room, sobbing into my pillow.
Friday.
I hardly left my room. There was nothing to do, no chores to finish. We had food, the washing was done and I certainly wasn’t going to talk to Matt anytime soon.
He’s knocked on my door a couple of times, even walked in at one point but I told him to get out. Which he obliged to.
It was late when I came to terms with my behaviour. I was being childish. Matty had made the most sensible decision by wanting to talk it out with me but yet again, I was too afraid of rejection.
For the first time in just under 24 hours I swung open my door. Only to see him sitting on the floor right in front of it. Glaring at him questioningly, he witnessed my figure in the doorway, dragging his head up with hopeful eyes meeting mine.
“Hi.”
My reply wasn’t formed with words but with movements as I gently sat in front of him.
“I’m sorry.” Matty spoke out.
“Me too.”
“I’m sorry I thought you wanted something when you didn’t. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to your actions.” Matty was whispering and I couldn’t figure out why.
“I’m sorry I didn’t stop myself when I saw that you didn’t feel anything for me.” I admitted, our eyes locking in an understanding gaze.
“But I do.” He blurted out without holding back.
“What? No you don’t.” I sat still, expressionless. There was no way I could show my feelings or reactions towards this, so I didn’t react.
“Y/N I do.” I peered into his eyes just to clarify, yet he was being truthful.
Again, I did nothing.
“I love you, don’t you mind?” Matty blinked. And with the way he questioned my emotionless face, the way he offered everything he had to me with those three words, the way honesty and utter respect boldly lined his eyes and the way I had full awareness that he would let me fix him, I convinced myself he was all I had. All I needed.
Not even a single utterance was needed that Friday night to return the adoration we shared. Just a kiss, that meant everything. That the memory of was kept in my brain and never comparable to anything else.

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i just wanted to get this draft out of the way but the next several imagines are going to be written by yours truly xx