Breathless • Malec

xxi. Magnus

So, I'm sorry that this is sort of a short chapter, but I really enjoyed writing it, and I hope you guys enjoy reading it! Thanks for supporting me, and this fic and please don't forget to vote/comment! :)

xxi. Magnus

My finger hovered over the newest voicemail. I hesitated, not sure if I could hear another apology from him. My curiosity got the best me, and I tapped on it. His voice filled the empty space in the apartment.

"This is the last time that I'm going to calling you, Magnus Bane."

I raised my eyebrow slightly. His last, oh, hundred voicemails had been dredged in tears or anger, sometimes both. This time, he sounded serious. Oddly collected.

"I'm sure you won't listen to this. In fact, I'm almost positive you won't. You probably moved on about five minutes after we had broken up. Probably went right back into that club and started kissing another person."

Well, that was the opposite of what I had done. After our break up, after I whispered the final "I love you," I had left with tears in my eyes. I wanted to seem calm as I walked away from him. Maybe I had looked breezy as I walked away, but my mind was like a hurricane, whipping dangerous thoughts around in my head.

I walked as fast as I could back to my apartment, which was conveniently only a block away. I laid there for a long time. All night. A little into the next morning, too. The only reason that I had gotten up in the first place was to feed Chairman Meow.

My mind was empty the whole time, I felt like a robot. The only thing I could picture was Alec's tearstained face as I told him that I loved him. And God, did I love him. So. Much.

I had dated my fair share of people, but I had never felt anything like how Alec made me feel.

"So, I'm taking this opportunity to tell you something. Something very important." I could hear him take a deep breath and I prepared myself for the worst.

"Fuck you."

I frowned, sliding deeper into the couch, closing my eyes. I deserved it, but it still hurt.

"Fuck you for making me think that you loved me. Tell me this, you fucking asshole: it's killing me to be away from you. And I feel like I can't breathe, Magnus. I can't. Because you were part of me. The best part of me. And now I don't even feel like I can go on."

Shaking, I paused the voicemail, taking a breath. Then another. Using every bit of willpower I had, I pressed play.

"But I have to go on. And that's why this will be the last time that I'll call you. You never called back. I spent every waking moment, which was most because I haven't been able to sleep, wishing that you would care, just a little bit. That you would love me as much as I loved you.

"But you don't. So this is my goodbye, Magnus Bane. You were my first of so many things. I don't know if there will ever be a time that I won't love you."

"So stay away from me. Please. Make this easier for me. I need to get on with my life."

There was a long pause. For a moment, I thought the message had ended.

"Goodbye, Magnus."

Another pause.

"I love you."

Then, it was over. Nothing was left.

It felt final.

But I didn't want it to be.

He thought that I didn't love him, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone.

My chest contracted as those thoughts ran through my head. I sat up, my mind racing.

"Goodbye, Magnus," he had said.

It couldn't be goodbye. I didn't think that it really could ever be goodbye. I would always want, no, I would always need Alexander Lightwood. Life without him was simply just life not worth living.

I had never been one to abide by the rules or do what other people wanted me to do.

So, I sure as hell wasn't going to start with Alec. He wanted me to stay away from him and let him move on, but I couldn't do that.

I hopped off the couch and raced out the door, my heart set on making things right again.

He was my anchor and I felt like I was slowly slipping away from the shore.

I was determined not to drown.