to all the glowing eyes ✎ joshler

september 29

will;

it's almost midnight and honestly, i've never felt more dead inside

i stayed up all night yesterday doing the homework i avoided doing all afternoon. i finished at around 2 am, so i only slept for 3 hours cause of insomnia and overthinking . it's a real pain in the ass.

i wish i could say i slept during my noneventful afternoon, but that's not the case. i watched parks & rec instead of sleeping. do i regret it? yes and no.

mom and dad aren't home yet, by the way. other teenagers would throw a party, i think i said this yesterday oh well, but not me.

i hate being this lonely.

i feel like i'm missing out in so many things.

am i supposed to be out there living life? am i? i hope not..

life is scary.

i'm scared of it.

i'm scared of death too.

these bad thoughts are messing me up. why must my mind be like this? there is no need for these awful thoughts to be haunting me constantly.

as much as i'd want it to be fake, i'm not as happy as other teens. i'm sad 90% of the time and it's mostly the sadness that just weighs me down.

it hurts, you know?

it really hurts.

nothing matters when depression hits me.

maybe that's why i reach for the boy's happiness. my mind probably thinks that it can get some from him. but it doesn't work like that.

he looks so happy. he probably is that happy. i want to be his friend so bad.

but oh boy, i'm too anxious about talking to him. he would hate me instantly.

did i ever mention that i stutter a lot whenever i'm nervous? yeah i'm a mess.

i hate this. i hate this. i h a te thi s.

t.r.j.

„"„

josh notices that the signature was scribbled on with a different kind of ink. normally the entries are written with black pen, but this one is more marker like. and he doesn't even have to think hard about that.

the lighting of his room leaves it pretty clear.

t.r.j.'s handwriting is really shaky when they talk about their mental health. the signature looks cleaner than the rest of the page.

"what the... what happened?"he asks himself.

he cannot stop his curiosity before turning the page. the entry continues there. but it's a lot darker than they are. he isn't even sure if he should read it. "who cares,"he whispers to himself and begins to read the continuation.

{🌹💌🌹}

tbh i really like this story. it makes no sense but it's good if i do say so myself

btw all of these chapters are very unedited

-alaska