to all the glowing eyes ✎ joshler

october 3

will;

what if i tell someone?

would it hurt?

would it make it better?

would it make me better?

i'm scared.

i always am.

who isn't?

i've been feeling off these days. i just don't seem interested in doing anything anymore. i don't give a damn about homework. i don't give a damn about my future. i don't give a damn about the world.

i only care about them.

they make it better.

him specifically.

she's alright, but he has...something...that makes it better.

i know i said i don't have any friends, i do but they're not my friends. more like acquaintances. we do talk, not as openly as i talk to you.

earlier today they made this groupchat thing, and everyone started to non-stop spam the chat. i felt so overwhelmed. i couldn't keep up.

i muted them. i can't handle that much stress and anxiety.

one of the people in the chat asked me separately if i was okay. i simply replied with "yeah. i just feel like talking today". in reality, i want to talk with someone so bad.

i want help.

i need help.

don't get me wrong, you're great. but i want feedback. i want someone to nod along and listen to me. i want them to suggest solutions or accompany me in my pain.

anyway, they replied with "ok cool" and went off to the groupchat to continue their rambling.

that day i felt this pain in my chest and in my head. it was probably my depression or just the sadness of not being able to communicate without having a mental breakdown.

would they mind?

i've been thinking about                         a lot lately.

would they mind if i do it?

i'm sad.

i'm really sad.

i'm always sad.

i'll always be sad.

it's become a trait at this point.

t.r.j.

„"„

a cry for help. an actual cry for help.

josh's soul hurts with every word he continues to read.

he hurts so bad.

but his hurting is something dealable, something he can brush off and continue his normal life.

"jesus christ,"he murmurs to himself as he gets out his laptop and opens google. he quickly types 'mental illnesses like depression' on the search bar.

the endless pages of videos and news and many, many articles overwhelm him. he takes a deep breath and begins to read what the first page has to say about it.

{🌹💌🌹}

i realized that in the very first sentence of the whole story i say that tyler is a guy so the whole 'is a girl or a boy' mystery is bullshit.. bravo me

anyway, i'm finally on summer vacation/holiday/whatever you call it. yayy

-alaska

p.s.: it's like 1 am as of rn oops