CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
I know I never will.
Wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi ang umiyak sa gilid ng kalsada. Ilang oras na akong nakaupo dito pero hindi pa rin ako gumagalaw.
Ramdam ko ang bigat ng mga mata ko pati ng dibdib ko.
Ilang beses na akong tinawagan ni Zild, but I don't have the energy to talk to him. I tried to calm myself as I stared at the night sky.
The cool silvery moon light simply fascinated me. The brilliant moon was sparkling in the sky.
The shadows of trees on the roadside reminded me those good old days with Ressler. We used to walk at night when I was in college. Lagi niyang sinasabi sa 'kin na nakaka-refresh ng utak kapag naglalakad lakad sa gabi bago ko ituloy 'yong mga plates ko.
I miss those days. Those days that my leukemia wasn't getting in the way.
I went to the park and sat down on a bench in the park for some time and meditated. My mind was calm and all tension and worries had fled from my mind. As I breathe in, I get this smell of purity. I feel free and alive. How I wish to always spend my night like this. No heavy baggage on my shoulders, no barriers in my mind.
A shadow suddenly appeared in front of me so I lifted my head.
"Z-Zild . . ." pabulong kong sabi. Finally, he's here. I really wanted to see him.
How did he find me?
Mahina akong natawa sa sarili kong tanong. Lagi niya naman akong nahahanap kahit ayaw kong magpahanap.
"I thought something happened to you! F*ck. You made me worry, Tam. Lagi na lang ba'ng ganito?" galit na saad niya habang nakatitig sa mga mata ko. I have never heard him cuss. Ngayon lang.
Lumuhod siya sa harapan ko at tiningnan niya ang mukha at katawan ko kung ayos lang ba ako, at nang masigurado niyang okay lang ako ay narinig ko siyang nakahinga ng maluwag.
"Kumain ka na ba?" bigla niyang tanong habang nakatitig pa rin sa akin.
"Wala akong ganang kumain," tipid kong sagot.
"Ang tigas ng ulo mo," inis na saad niya saka niya ginulo ang buhok niya. "Are we really going to continue this?" he suddenly asked.
"Continue what?"
"This," he paused. "Living with you, taking care of you."
I looked away and avoided his eyes.
"Are you tired of me already?" mahina kong sabi. Muli na namang tumulo ang luha ko.
"What? No. Hell no. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Of course, I will never get tired of you," seryoso niyang sabi saka niya hinawakan ang pisngi ko para muling iharap sa kanya. "If you want me to stay by your side, I want you to forget him. I want you to just . . . look at me. Learn to love me. Try to be happy with me."
Bakas sa boses niya ang pangangamba. Umaasa siyang marinig 'yong sagot na gusto niya.
"I'm tired watching you fall from the ground. He didn't even bother to pick you up. He believed everything you said. He didn't even bother to know the truth. I thought he really loved you but I guess I was wrong. If he really loves you, he'll see it in your eyes if there's something wrong with you. Kahit hindi mo sabihin, kahit hindi mo aminin, kahit itago mo, malalaman niya pa rin. Dapat alam niya pa rin," tuloy-tuloy niyang sabi.
"You know the things I've done to push him away, Zild. You can't blame him," I countered.
He scoffed softly. "No matter how many times you push him away, if he really loves you, he'd still stay. But that didn't happen, right? He stopped fighting for you. He gave up on you. He left you."
His words were like knives stabbing me at my chest. What he said was true, but none of it makes me the innocent one here. I have no right to blame him or anyone for suffering like this. I chose to hide it from them. I chose to suffer alone.
"I never left you, Tam. I stayed by your side. I suffered with you. I took all the bullets for you. Why can't it be me? Why can't you choose me?" basag na boses niyang sabi.
Alam ko sobrang unfair ko kay Zild. Alam ko napakamakasarili ko. Alam ko namang kasalanan ko talaga lahat 'to.
"I—I'm sorry," tanging sabi ko saka ako tumayo. Maybe I need to go through this all alone. I need to stop being unfair to Zild. He doesn't deserve someone like me.
I was about to walk away from him but he grabbed my hand and wrapped his arms around my waist, pressing our bodies together.
"I love you, Tam," he said, tears falling from his eyes. I couldn't see him crying, but I could feel my shoulders getting flooded by his tears.
"I love Re—" I halted when his lips touched mine. No, Zild. Please, don't do this.
I was about to push him away pero hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at ipinatong ito sa dibdib niya.
He's waiting for me to kiss him back, but I can't. And I know I never will.
Because it will always be Ressler.
My heart belongs only to Ressler.
Natigilan ako nang makita ko si Ressler na nakatayo sa 'di kalayuan habang nakatitig sa 'kin.
Parang may kung anong tumusok sa dibdib ko nang makita ko kung paanong tumulo ang luha niya.
Maybe this is the best way to end everything I had with him.
Marahan kong ipinikit ang mga mata ko at sinagot ko ang mga halik ni Zild.
Naramdaman ko ang biglaang pagngiti ni Zild sa ginawa ko pero kasabay no'n ay ang pagpatak ng luha ko.
Lahat ng pagka-miss ko kay Ressler, lahat ng pagmamahal ko kay Ressler, ibinuhos ko 'yon lahat sa halik namin ni Zild.
I stopped for a while and stared at his eyes. "Can we continue this at home?" I asked Zild, secretly glancing at Ressler whose fists were all clenched.
I'm sorry, Ressler . . .
BINABASA MO ANG
Smile For Me, Ressler
Romance|| Published under PSICOM || Tamara didn't want her husband to know that the day he married her was also the same day she was diagnosed with cancer. Disclaimer: This story is in Taglish Status: Completed ***Now available at National Book Store, Expr...
