delivered

92

"you're here! i will come downstairs to get your bags!" adrian's voice is shrill with happiness as he quickly shoves a woollen hat on top of his head, loose ringlets escaping the fabric and resting on his forehead, and his feet encased in a pair of worn out house slippers. he gives dan a comforting smile, and informs phil about the arrival of his grandmother before leaving the house, a strange silence enveloping the entirety of the apartment at the departure of the small boy.

it wasn't that the apartment was buzzing with laughter and conversation earlier-it's just that with adrian in the house, it seemed as if there was a thin layer of comfort between the two lovers, without him, the silence begged confrontation yet again. phil unwrapped the blanket from around his torso, stretching his arms above his head and wiping his palms across his face to bring some colour to the haunting paleness of his skin, before he got up and stepped out of the living room, making his way to the kitchen.

and then without warning all movement ceased, lips pursing and eyes widening as phil stopped in his tracks, his heart that had been trying and failing to mend itself was pulled apart further at the sight of dan. purple lining the once glimmering brown of his eyes, golden skin sprinkled with blotches of tears, and his shaking hands visible even from afar.

dan's mouth opened and closed in a silent apology, as if he was apologising for the simple fact that phil had to see him, and the brim of his eyes flooded with tears for the second time in the past hour when phil refused to spare him as much as a look and disappeared into the kitchen.

and both of them broke down yet again, different locations, similar reasons-both lacking comfort and both of them undeniably hoping for something to turn back time.

phil braces himself against the kitchen counter, body failing to function, lungs refusing to expand and chest hurting constantly at the reminder of the chain of events that on had occurred only a few hours ago. his mind is aching with conflict-he wants to both cut off all possible ties with dan and end this deranged relationship that was never meant to be, and hold dan close to his chest because he just can't see him hurting.

he is aware, that even right now, even after all this pain, his heart will be ready to accept dan back into his life, to forgive him, to understand him, to love him the same unconditional way he has been loving him all these years.

he knows that he doesn't care about himself, about how he physically can't handle dan's presence after what he has done, about how uncomfortable he feels with dan's confession that he willingly let someone else touch him the same emotional way phil used to touch him, about how he knows that they will never be the same again.

he knows that even after all this, his heart will continue to belong to dan-even if it ceases to beat and breaks apart times and times again-it will still, always belong to him.

his brain and heart, mind and soul, are all at war within himself. it is bad blood between rationality and a love that is willing to consume everything in its wake-strings of his heart threatening to snap, thoughts in his mind threatening to scatter amidst the minefield of his body. and the worst part about this gruesome battle is that every part within phil is against phil himself.

right now, he can't even comprehend to understand dan because he can barely understand himself. the contributing factor to all this pain should have been dan, but phil is hurting because he is collapsing within himself, lack of understanding, lack of coordination, lack of simple motility, causes a strange lump to settle in his throat and his mind to stretch out and contract all at once.

with his conscience spacing out and body ready to relapse, he brings a glass of water to his mouth, creating a breathing pattern for himself because his body wouldn't cooperate. his eyes fall shut momentarily, trying to calm himself down, the glass almost falling from between his fingers when he hears a familiar voice cut through the cold silence.

"dan! i haven't seen you in such a long time!"

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