to all the glowing eyes ✎ joshler

october 6

will;

i hate my parents. i hate them so much.

it's only 5 pm and i'm already sobbing in my bathroom because of them. i don't think i've felt this bad about myself without depression before.

i want to leave.

this is definitely emotionally and mentally unhealthy for me. this house is so abusive of me. i might not get hit or anything as bad as other people but my mental health is decreasing by the moment.

all the self confidence or self esteem i used to have is more than long gone.

i look awful, i feel like trash...

i want to run away.
they won't really notice i'm gone unless they pay close attention to me which they never do anyway. it's the answer to all my problems.

i can leave the city and get a job there. it will be like the outsiders but more interesting. and better. and not involving murder. or death.

and there isn't much to leave behind. my acquaintances surely won't miss me. my parents will probably be relieved with the fact that i left.

i would leave behind though...

i don't want to leave him behind. i cannot ask him to come with me. he has a life of his own. he has family and friends who care about him. half of the school is in love with him so he surely will find a boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever. besides, why would he want to run away with a loser like me?

i have nothing to offer him. no money or popularity or anything.

i just have you. and that's it. also those weird flashes of red/blue light but they don't count.

so that's it then? i run away?

it's such a simple yet complicated answer to my predicament.

all i want is some good mental health and the feeling of being loved. i'm sure i won't find them here if i keep waiting.

i gotta keep moving. i'm not gonna sit around and wait for life to solve itself. i'm not some kind of fairy tale princess who does that.

yes, i will run away. not sure when but i will.

and if times get desperate...i can always sell my body to a sugar daddy.

this got off track. sorry.

t.r.j.

„"„

"no no no no no!"josh angrily yells at the journal. "you cannot do this to me! you cannot run away!"

he throws the journal across the room and gives in to the tears that arrived midway through the entry. his emotions have been all over the place with the last three days of entries. it's driving him crazy.

"you know what? i'm done!"he cleans the tears off his face with his sleeve and gets up to grab the journal from the floor. he takes a look at it and stuffs it in his backpack.

"i'll give you to lost & found tomorrow. i'm done with you playing with my damn emotions! you're making me lose my mind! you're making me question all i've known for years! you're changing me and i don't want that! i like how i was before! i like how naive and oblivious i used to be!

"this is the end, t.r.j. this is over!"

{🌹💌🌹}

this took a turn whoa.

i've got a better plot now and honestly i love it.

-alaska