The Lovely Suicide Children

Chapter 19: Potential

Back at school, during the lunch break, I found myself sitting underneath the apple tree. I waited for Robert to come and saw him approaching me with a plastic water bottle in his hand. He looked away from me, free of any type of emotion. Things got awkward when he sat next to me saying nothing, not even a hi.

I sighed and stretched out my legs. "I don't know how to say this without sounding crazy."

He pushed up his knees, hugged them, then kept his eyes on the grass. "You're not crazy," he mumbled.

My heart sped up. I felt a little absurd concerning his death. Between Robert and Rose, I considered them both to be good friends. Taking another deep breath, I sighed.

"You're dead, right?" I finally asked.

"I am," he said.

"You shot yourself?"

"Yes," he said.

"What did Rose do to make you do that? She seems so kind."

He lifted his head and looked at me. His eyes showed sadness, and for some other reason, he seemed afraid. I saw his arms shaking, and he kept moving his hands here and there.

"They all act nice when they know they're part of the reason behind someone's death. Megan Voss, know her?"

I nodded.

"Rose and Megan were best friends since first grade. When I was in middle school, she and Megan picked on me. First, it was small things, like my clothes, and my hair, and my music taste," he shrugged. "Dumb stuff, you know? At the time I was dealing with a lot at home. My mom was never there for me. I never had the support parents were supposed to give. My dad said I was a joke to the family, which made me insecure. My dreams of being a musician were unreal to them, so who did I have there for me? No one."

Suddenly a ball got kicked into the grass near us. Robert gestured for me to kick it back and I did. It missed the person, and they ended up shaking their heads at the disappointment at my kick. Robert chuckled when he saw it.

"So," he continued. "Home was a mess, but school was a disaster. I don't think students realize that they don't have to make people feel bad because we get enough of that at home sometimes. Some of us go home, just to be looked down on, then go to school just to be made fun of and bullied, then we go back home, and life repeats itself. It's like sinking into the ocean and getting dragged into the water. It gets darker and darker. You don't know what to expect and what monsters you have to face. How long will it take for something to swallow us?"

"I understand," I said.

"Rose and Megan made my school year a living hell, and one day, Rose lost Megan as a friend. Where did Rose's anger go? To me," he said. "She and her new friends made fun of me. Her guy friends beat me up, threw stuff at me, and did everything they could to see me frown. Then one day, I went home to play my guitar. My father got drunk and smashed it. My mom said I was bad at music anyways. I remember sitting there for three hours thinking that this would never get better. I would go to school and get beat up, then I would come home to have my heart broken. Again and again and again. Nothing was going to change, and I was tired of waiting. So, I heard voices in my head. I didn't know if they came from me or not, but as the days went by, each night someone or something was telling me to let go of this world and join the other side where hurt doesn't exist."

"Was it The Lovely Suicide Children?" I asked.

He nodded. "It was. So I left this world to be with them."

"How was it? I mean, with them?"

"When Rose found out, she could barely sleep at night. I was so glad too for a while, but regretted my actions," he said, totally ignoring my question.

"You regretted killing yourself?"

A tear fell from his eye. "Watching all the people I left behind suffer from what I did was painful. It hurt so badly. I didn't want to see it anymore. But now, I have no choice. I see and hear everything. My mom moved, my dad lives on the streets. My grandma is still heartbroken until this day. So, I regret what I had done, but where was that love for me when I was alive? I just don't get it. At the funeral, people told me how much they loved me, but I wanted to hear those words while I was alive and never did."

"I'm sorry, Robert."

"I just don't want Rose to do the same thing to you," he said. "You have potential and life, and just because your life is hell now, I see you doing great things in the future. Rose still tries to push away what she does by making up lies that it was me who was in the wrong."

Standing up, Robert took my hand in his. He took both hands and looked into my eyes. "I don't care what happens, you better not cheat your way out of this over some bitches in school and family who don't care."

I blushed while he smiled at me. "Thank you, Robert."

He let my hands go. "Sorry, I didn't want to let you go. No one else can see me, and it looks weird, you smiling at nothing."

I thought about it then looked around. Sure enough, people were pointing at me and staring at me like I was insane. The bell rung, giving people a chance to forget about me. Robert and I laughed, but not too loud. He walked me to the school then left me to attend class. On my way to the classroom, Megan tripped me onto the floor.

"Hey!" I called out.

"My bad," she said then walked away like she did nothing. People laughed.

I got back up and brushed myself off. I remembered Robert's words. "I have potential," I whispered to myself. "Megan's just a bitch." And like that, I walked into the classroom with a smile on my face, ready for class. However, something stuck hit my mind. Robert never answered me about The Lovely Suicide Children when I asked how was it there. Why did he ignore my question? What was it really like to be with them? And if it was a wonder world, then why leave?