Never Let This Go *Paramore*

Chapter Eight: Goodbye

Swan dive down eleven stories high

Hold your breath until you see the light

You can sink to the bottom of the sea

Just don't go without me

C'est La Mort; The Civil Wars

Translation: It is death

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"I think we should go home instead of doing what I planned," Taylor suggests. "You're obviously not up for it," I don't respond to this, because I'm so weak I don't want to waste my energy talking. I'm fighting my eyelids to stay open right now.

As soon as we get 'home' I decide that it really is time to leave Taylor. I can't just keep burdening him with my dramatic, selfish problems. I'll leave tonight. It's almost dinner time already. "Hayley, do you want to eat anything?" Taylor asks me as I sit on the couch.

"No," I tell him. I'm not hungry. Sort of.

"Hayley, I know you're hungry," he responds. Damn you Taylor.

"I don't want food," I say laying down as if I'm going to take a nap. Man, that sounds really nice. It isn't a lie, though. I really don't want food. I am a little tiny bit hungry though.

"So does soup chicken noodle soup sound okay?" he asks.

"I don't eat chicken," I tell him, my face in a pillow.

"Oh, yeah. I forgot. How about some pizza?" Taylor suggests.

"Tayloooooor," I complain. I. Don't. Want. To. Eat. A. Single. Bit. Or. I. May. Die.

"Hayleeeeeey," he mimicks while walking toward me. "You have to eat,"

"If I eat then I'll die," I tell him hugging his blue pillow. He loves the color blue.

"If you don't eat you'll die," he corrects me.

"I wish I could die," I whisper into the pillow.

"Guess what, Hayley?" he asks me sitting next to my feet.

"What?" I ask curious about his next comment. I hope he won't lecture me. Knowing Taylor, there is no way to find out what he will do or say unless you wait tor it to actually happen.

"If you die, then I will be so depressed that I will too. Jeremy will loose both of us, and he will die. Then Kat will be so depressed, that she will die. Baby Bliss will grow up without her parents. Your mom will die of grief, and Mikayla and Erica will be so depressed that scars will be left in their precious skin just like you. Our fans will find out too, and they will be so depressed, that they make memorials for you all around the world and visit them every day, because their heroes have died, and they won't get to see us ever again," he tells me. I'm completely silent now.

"I didn't think anyone would notice," I finally whisper after a minute or so.

"Everyone will notice, Hayley," Taylor says. "They might have to have a secret funeral because too many people would show up,"

"Then when you find my body, hide it, and say I disappeared," I tell him. I still want to die.

"Never," he responds. "Now it's either you eat, or I force feed you," he says.

"Good luck," I tell him crossing my arms over the blue, fuzzy pillow. He pulls my arm playfully trying to get me to sit up.

"Hayley Nichole Williams! If you don't get up right now and act like the food loving Hayley I know and love then we will have to postpone the tour until you decide to eat!" he says standing up.

"Yah. Right," I say sighing. He walks over to the kitchen counter and picks up his cell phone. Funny.

"Get up and get your butt over here," he says pointing to the ground.

"No!" I yell loudly, curling up into a ball, still hugging his pillow.

"Okay fine, I'm calling Adam," he tells me. Still don't believe him. "Hey, Adam you're on speaker, Hayley's in the room," he says.

"Hey, Taylor, what's up?" I hear a familiar voice say through the phone. My eyes widen and I mentally murder myself.

"TAYLOR BENJAMIN BUTTON YORK NOOO!" I scream running over to him and jumping on his back.

"Hayley needs some time to recover from some family problems and some serious stuff, is there any way we can-" he tries to say.

"Sorry, Adam, this was a mistake!" I yell grabbing the phone, still on Taylor's back. I hang up, out of breath, and Taylor laughs.

"Will you eat something now?" he asks me giggling hopefully.

"If I can stay on your back and it's small than fine," I tell him.

"Why of course you can stay on my back," he responds.

"Do you have chewy granola bars?" I ask hanging on to him.

"That's all you're going to eat?" he asks a little quieter.

"It has a lot of calories," I say, resting my chin on his shoulder. He sighs and pulls one out the pantry handing it to me as I jump off of his back.

"160 calories is a lot?" he asks.

"Heck yes," I respond.

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The clock says 11:38 p.m. and I'm finishing my letter to Taylor. I packed my stuff and he's in his room. I'm leaving at 2:00 in the morning because I need to make sure he is asleep. It's only been a few days or so, but man I've burdened him so damn much with my problems, I feel too guilty.

Dear Taylor,

I left last night, I'm so sorry for everything I've done to you. I'm so selfish for dragging you into this mess, I'm going to feel guilty for forever. I don't even know what truly triggered it, honestly. I guess everything got stacked up on everything else and it was too much. I stopped being hungry and with that I stopped being happy.

I don't want to turn this into a suicide note or anything, I'm just saying...if I don't come back...don't worry and don't end Paramore either. Find another vocalist or something. Remember Never Let This Go? The very first two lines keep playing over and over again in my head.

Thank you so so much for making me laugh and being there when I needed it most, no matter how ridiculous the problem was. I hope you're not crying while reading this, please don't worry. I'll be alright, no matter what I do. Please don't tell anyone; my mom, Jeremy and Kat, or anyone else. I don't care who they are. I just thought I should explain it all to at least one person.

I'm so sorry, Taylor. A month ago, I wouldn't have ever been able to imagine all of this. I don't know where I'm going, but it'll probably be far away. Cancel the tour if you have to. Apologize to the fans, because I love them but this is seriously killing me. I'm not going to go on tour and be suicidal on stage or whatever, I just can't.

I was thinking about visiting my dad's house one last time, but don't bother searching for me there, it's out of state, and by the time you get there...I'll be long gone.

I'm so sorry,

Hayley W.

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WHAT DID I JUST WRITE?!

Sorry guys, I'm just a little bit...depressed and extremely mentally...ill right now.