exploring sexuality | camren

chapter 20

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Lauren," Camila sighed. "I already told you thrice, each time you asked. Is there something bothering you?"

Lauren shook her head and forced a smile. Camila unsuspectingly rubbed her neck in pain. Lauren hated that the only way she could see her was in her phone screen through face time, but better that than nothing.

"Nothing's bothering me," She lied. If nothing meant everything then yes, nothing.

Lauren still couldn't sleep at night knowing that Sasha was out there with Camila's location at the tip of her fingers. She knew what she was capable of and Lauren hated that there wasn't anything she could do about it yet to keep her safe because she was thousands of miles away from Florida.

"What are your plans for today?"

Camila piped up with a smile, "I'll be at the studio majority of the day working on these new songs for the album. What about you?"

"Actually... so will we," she replied awkwardly.

Camila's face suddenly dropped. It was a touchy subject since her departure was recent from the group. She still hadn't really spoken with the girls. It was a weird thing, to go from seeing their faces every waking day, to only seeing their faces through pictures.

"Oh..." Camila looked down at her cuticles. "How are they?"

"They are better, really. They're beginning to understand why you did what you had to do. They just... I think they just wish you could've at least talked to them. It took them by surprise and I think that's what hurt them the most. Just give them time."

"How long is time?" Camila asked softly.

Lauren gave her a sad smile through the screen and Camila forcefully nodded. Removing her headphones, Lauren turned the volume up all the way on her phone.

"If you could talk to them- the girls. What would you tell them?"

Camila sighed, "I'd tell Normani how proud I am, how absolutely proud I am of how incredible she did in Dancing with the Stars. I'd tell her that I was yelling at the television, because she clearly deserved first place more than anyone. It was no competition, she was the winner all along. It brought tears to my eyes, seeing her so happy. I'd tell her, that I wish I could've been there to praise her along the way. When I heard about her struggles... I just wanted to be there so bad and tell her that she is truly a powerful woman and deserves so many good things in life. She's so damn beautiful and her smile could light a thousand candles and her heart... it could rule a thousand kingdoms. I wish I could've been there with all of you to listen to her gush about her day and see the excitement in her eyes."

"And Ally?"

"I'd tell her, that my life seems darker without her. I never realized how much she lit up my life until I was gone. She really is a sunshine. I was privileged, to have someone in my life like her who was always there for me when I felt down or upset. She always had kind words and she always understood in silence, you know? She didn't need thousands of words, but she always knew how to make me feel better. I'd tell her that I never forgot the day she stayed with me all night when I was crying and how I woke up to fresh baked chocolate chip cookies the next morning. I'd tell her that those times, meant so much to me."

"What would you tell Dinah?"

"God, what wouldn't I tell her? I'd tell her that saying sorry a million times would never be enough. I'd tell her that the best moments of my life and the worst were still some of the best because she was there to share them with me. Each time something happens in my life, I feel empty because the only person I want to tell them to is her and I can't anymore. I don't deserve her and I can't even begin to picture how she must've felt when she heard about my departure. She knew my deepest and most intimate feelings and I should've spoken to her. I think most of all, I'd tell her how she means the world to me and I can only hope I can one day too have a heart of gold like hers."