Never Let This Go *Paramore*

Chapter Thirteen: Worry + Love = Hate

"I know the way I wanna be

But I’m trapped in who I am

The only thing that holds me back is believing that I need a change

We are the only friends we have

And if there’s nothing left

And I fall, don’t fall apart,"

-Attention; We Are The In Crowd

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Hayley's P.O.V.

"Alright Hayley, I'm going to have to ask you to undress yourself and stand so that I can make sure you don't have anything on you that I need to take. If you feel uncomfortable doing this, you can take one garment off at a time," the nurse asks me. I'm not stripping in front of a strange, young, male nurse that I just met. I'm not even comfortable in my own body.

"I'm sorry I didn't catch your name," I say trying to stall.

"You can call me Dr. Reed, now if you wouldn't mind miss," he says with a nod. I sigh and talk my shirt off first, but I don't stand. "If you could stand now," I finally stand and he examines my breast area, as if I'm hiding drugs in my bra or something else weird. I stand and he asks me to remove my bra.

"I'm sorry Mr. Reed, but I'm not going to do that," I respond, my breathing becoming heavier.

"Alright, Ms. Williams. I understand you are getting uncomfortable, so I have an idea. He goes under a cabinet under the sink in the corner and pulls out a blue blanket. Taylor's favorite color. "I'll hold this in front of you and you will remove it. I won't see a thing. Okay? I trust that nothing is taped to you," he says holding the blanket up blocking his view. I unhook it and take it off and hold it to the side so he knows it's off. "You can put it back on now,"

"Thank you," I say as he puts the blanket away. He smiles and nods and I put my shirt on, unbuttoning me skinny jeans. "Same thing?" I ask.

"Yes," he says. He examines me again. "If you could turn in a circle slowly," he asks awkwardly. I want to allow this and never see this man again so my embarrassment is kept at a minimum, but that can't happen, can it? I turn in a slow circle. "You don't need to take those off," he tells me. A huge weight is lifted from my shoulders. I nod and put my jeans back on awkwardly. "The last thing I need from you is a drug test, so I believe you know what to do," he says handing me a small container.

I sigh and walk into the bathroom, coming back a minute or two with the sample. "Thank you, if you could wait in the waiting room to the left," he asks of me pointing to the door. I swear there are fifty waiting areas already. At least I don't have to strip anymore, right? I don't care if he was a doctor or whatever, they could've at least gotten a doctor of the same gender.

A while later he comes back, and I'm clear. He assigns me a room and walks to it with me. The room is a lavender color, with two beds, two desks, and two different dressers. I set my stuff on the bed farthest from the door and sit down. "Alright, Hayley, there is a lot to know before you get settled," he tells me. "We have 'levels' and right now, you are level one because you just got here a couple hours ago. Level one means that you are going to have to be closely monitored. Level two is a little less, and you get more and more privileges as you move up,"

Cool, I get to be treated like I'm five! "You will get a schedule. Breakfast is at 8:00-9:30, if you miss it you miss it. Lunch is at noon to 1:30, and dinner is at 5:00-6:30. No one has permission to touch another in-patients personal belongs, and each patient is given a journal to write in, consequences to whoever touches another persons, and no phone numbers are to be given out. If you step out of line, we are able to move you back a level or two," he explains to me. Dr. Reed hands me a leather journal with a strap the mark me page that I didn't notice until now, and a pen.

"There are other rules as well, you are not allowed in the other wards like the mens area, or serious consequences are given, no cafeteria is allowed after hours, and vistors come at 6:30-8:00 on week days," he tells me. "Do you have any questions?" he asks me kindly. 

"How do I know where all of this is?" I ask him.

"I can take you on a quick tour after this. You have a rommate coming in the morning, her name is Liz. She is going to be new here too, so you're not alone. Every other day, we have a mini doctor's appointment for each patient and we will weigh you, do a check for any harm, and ask some questions," the Dr. says. "Everyday you will have therapy alone and in a group, art and music therapy, activities, time to yourself, meals, time outside, time for your visitors, and some other things stuck in your schedule. I'm definitely forgetting something, but for now let's take our tour," he suggests standing up. I stand and we walk out.

He points out the day room, where the patinets from ages 18-65 sit, talk, and watch tv during the day, the cafeteria, the doctors room for our mini check ups, therapy rooms, some other nurses, the game room, and some other areas. As easy as it sounds, it is too hard walking in the halls of the mentally ill. "Okay, Hayley, that's the basic information. If you ever have a question just ask me or any other nurses I pointed out to you. It's late and at this time, everyone is required to be in bed, because lights are out at 10:30 here. No contact to anyone outside of this building is allowed except for visiting hours, so if I could have your phone, please," he says reaching his hand out.

I sigh and reach into my back pocket, and give it to him. Eff you doctor. "That is ridiculous," I tell him.

"That is the rules. To your room for bed," he orders me. I change into sweats and lay on the bed. Literally every fifteen minutes, Dr. Reed comes in to check on me. I hate level one, that's for sure. I don't find sleep, though. After an hour of no sleep, Dr. Reed comes in and hands me a pill. "It's a sleeping pill," he tells me. The first good thing about this dude. I thank him and not soon enough, the pill brings me sleep.

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