distract him; phan + troyler

chapter 6

tw; mentions of self harm

dan's pov

troye's eyes are blue, a strong blue with a hint of underlying fury. phil's eyes are a sad blue, one mixed with different colours. his eyes remind me of the world, blue represents the oceans and sky. green represents the ground and earth. the little specks of yellow represent the sun. behind those eyes are the rest of the universe, all bundled up in an overwhelmingly kind heart. but that beautifully caring heart has just run out of my house crying.

what did i do? i was honest, i do love troye. phil and i were just friends, and i'm sure he knew that. maybe not even friends? we just started getting to know each other. but the sting of his words were personal, not the kind of pain you get from an acquaintance. did he think of me as something more? no, obviously not. maybe he was just disappointed? we'd spent time talking about how troye really wasn't the best fit for me, and here i was begging for his love. maybe phil thought i would be smarter than that.

suddenly phil's reaction doesn't seem so outrageous. over the top, maybe, but not completely uncalled for. i guess i should have thought this out a bit more. i was trying to start off with talking about my hurtful image, how it's a stupid ploy to get people to leave me alone, but somehow we'd instantly gone to troye. i'd barely said anything i wanted to. i guess i'm quite used to that though, being tossed aside because troye is more important.

"dan, listen," tyler said locking his dark eyes with me. i could already sense that this was going to hurt, just based off the look on his face. "look at yourself, do think troye would really be into such a mess? the answer is no. he likes me, we're compatible. we've kissed dan, did you know that? he's already moved on. who do you think he was with this evening?"

the loud crack of my heart resonated around the inside of my frail, hollow, body. i look at troye, waiting for him to tell me it isn't true, but i don't get that. he just nods sadly. i feel myself lean back and sink into the fluffy sofa, i've surrendered. my small arm raises and points towards the door. "leave," i mumble so quietly, it's almost inaudible. they share a look before staring at me, waiting for me to say something else. i sit up suddenly and lock eyes with troye specifically.

"now," the word is dark, and has so much force that i have to take a few deep breaths afterwards. i shut my eyes as they stand up and don't open them again until i hear the sound of a car pulling away.

i don't move for a while, just listen to the sound of my ragged breathes. eventually though, i feel a surge of something. pain. i look at my hands and see that my nails had dug into my palms, where my fists had been clenched, and broken the skin. small dots of blood became evident on the light pink surface. i made no move to clean it up and inside just let it bleed further.

my throat aches, begging for water, but i give it no mercy. i feel tears in my eyes, and tense up. my teeth dig into my bottom lip so painfully deep that it begins to bleed as well. i wonder what would happen if i just kept bleeding, if all the blood left my body and only an empty shell of myself was left, crumpled in a heap on the floor. it could be done so easily. not like that, but the complete loss of blood is plausible. i could walk into the kitchen right now and grab the scissors. i'd cut a line down each limb, and maybe a large slice down the centre of my chest. then i'd wait.

except i won't do that, because it would be stupid. i'm going to be safe and smart and ignore the urge to see my own blood. it's hard though, because i love seeing my own blood. it fills me with a rush of adrenaline and just this overall sense of power. honestly, i'm in need of something like that. i want to feel important, and the best way to do that would be to have some power over myself. i wish i had control of my emotions, or maybe my physical appearance.