The Way of Fate (Book 1)

25. Lost

Chapter 25: Lost

Mika

I didn't know where I was planning on going when I left Allen's office. There was no thinking involved, just a need to get out of there. My feet just took me somewhere, walking around the city, trying to wrap my head around what Allen had said.

How could I have been so stupid? I was a fucking idiot, that's why.

Except I clearly heard him say he wanted to marry me. It was the obvious question that he'd ask, right? So why was I wrong? How could I have missed something so huge?

Why would he even suggest something like that? I mean, me adopting Amy? Letting her move into his house? He didn't even know her! How could he want this?

How could I agree to it? Amy didn't deserve me. I basically killed her last time. What's to say it won't happen again, but maybe she'll actually die? I can't risk it. Not when she'd have such a better chance with people who weren't complete fuck ups. Granted, Allen wasn't a fuck up. Not in the slightest. But Amy wouldn't be his responsibility. She would be mine. I didn't know if I could handle doing that again - taking responsibility for her.

My foot suddenly slipped and I put my hand on the building next to me to keep my balance. It was then that I actually took a look around. I had absolutely no idea where I was and I didn't even know how long it had been snowing - obviously long enough for it to gather on the sidewalks and make the ground slippery. It was also dark. Like the sun had set awhile ago dark. When the hell did that happen?

I checked my pockets, looking for my phone. Allen was probably wondering where I was. Why didn't he call me? It only took me a second to remember my phone was in my backpack that I left in Allen's office. Also in my backpack was my wallet, containing the only money I had to get back to the house. I was screwed.

"Mika, Mika, Mika," I heard coming from an alley. Then a familiar face stepped out in front of me. "Surprising seeing you out here lately."

"Zak." Why did he have to show up? I had hoped never to see him again. But my luck just doesn't seem to be working today. "I told you to leave me alone."

"Oh? Well, it looks like you came to me, Meeks."

I shook my head. "It wasn't on purpose. Now get out of my way." I tried to step around him, but he held his arm up to stop me.

"You still with guy with the fancy car and the kid?" he asked. "Oh wait, probably not, if you're out on the street, looking for me. You know my bed's always open for you, Meeks."

"Go to hell."

He smiled. "I'll see you there, then." There was a moment when neither of us said anything, and no one moved. Then he spoke again. "I miss you, Meeks. I do. I'll always love you, you know."

"I don't care." Once again, I moved to walk around him, and again he stopped me.

"You know, you've changed, Meeks," he said, stepping way too close to me. "You may still try to act all tough and rude, but it's not nearly as harsh as it used to be. Something's different about you."

I took a step back. "Go away."

"Oh, but Mika, you came to me," he repeated. "I live here. I thought you knew that."

I took another look around, and realized that it did look vaguely familiar. Unfortunately, it was too familiar. I've been here way too many nights, usually drunk and so desperate for sex that I ended up back with him over and over again. I hadn't been back here for almost a year now. I never wanted to be back here again, and yet here I was.

"Didn't mean to come here," I said simply. "Now get out of my way and stay out of my life."

It would have been a great last thing to end this stupid conversation with, had I not slipped - again - on the ice. This time I actually lost my balance, falling into the snow that was piling along the edge of the road, getting completely soaked.

Zak reached out to help me up, but I backed away, still on the ground. He wasn't going to get the satisfaction of helping me. Not like I needed his help getting up anyway.

Quickly getting to my feet, I immediately turned around and started walking away from Zak, ignoring him calling after me. Thankfully, he didn't try to follow me. I was done with him. I've been done with him. He needed to finally understand that.

One good thing that came from running into him, however, was that I sort of knew where I was now. Except I was on the complete opposite side of the city from Allen's house. And it was probably at least well passed Sam's bedtime by now, which meant, if I were to walk there now, I wouldn't get there until probably morning. And I wasn't sure I'd even make it walking all those hours tonight, without sleep, in the middle of a snowstorm. Yeah, that's not happening.

Instead, I found myself at my old apartment. I don't know how I ended up there. One moment I was walking away from Zak, the next I was here, standing at the bottom of the steps that used to be mine. Maybe it was habit, having spent too many nights doing that same trip after leaving his bed. Or maybe there was some part of me that hoped I could still use it as a place to sleep tonight.

Except Mrs. Nesbitt had told me that she sold it to be knocked down or some shit like that. What I found instead was Christmas decorations on the apartment, like someone who cares about appearances moved in. No lights were on, obviously given the time of night, but I could tell there were curtains in the windows. I never had curtains. Someone was definitely living here. Meaning she kicked me out for someone else to move in, probably someone who could pay more or keep a more stable job than I did throughout the years I was there.

I sat down on the snow-covered steps. I had nowhere to go. I had no way of contacting Allen. I had no money for anything. I was stranded here; alone, cold, and hungry, with nowhere to go and no one to help me.

I should be used to this feeling. It's one I felt for years before I got this stupid apartment. When those people who once called themselves my foster parents abandoned me and Amy, so I took her and left. I had nowhere to go, but I refused to go back into the system. It was fucked up, and I thought I could do better for myself and Amy if we were on our own.

A shiver passed through me and I tucked my knees to my chest, trying to keep in some kinda warmth. Not like that helped much. I was soaked already, sitting in a pile of snow, and it was still snowing. Being warm was not going to happen tonight.

I had a good feeling I was going to die. I've seen people die because they weren't warm enough during these winter nights before. Someone stole their blanket or something, and then a storm comes, and they never wake up. I should move, get somewhere dryer. But I couldn't seem to make myself stand up.

As my eyelids got heavier, I felt myself lean into the railing. There was no way I was getting up. That just wasn't going to happen. But strangely, I was okay with it. I was never meant to have a good, long life. I was only ever handed the shittiest things, until Allen. But even then, I never deserved him.

Allen. Did he even notice that I wasn't there? Probably, but maybe not. He says he loved me, so he probably realized I wasn't there. Was he worried, then? Was he waiting up, hoping I'd walk in any minute?

What was he going to say when I never came home? Would he ever know what happened to me? Was he going to think I just left him? And all because I couldn't handle his suggestion of adopting Amy.

Her, too. What would she say? I just got her back. I couldn't lose her again. But she'll be okay. Without me. She would. I needed to believe that.

And Allen will be okay. He'll be sad for a bit. But he'd find someone. Someone better than me. Much better. He'll be happy again. Sammy will be happy. Amy will be happy. Everyone will be happy, even if I'm not there anymore. They'd all be better off without me.