Josh Dun imagines

You made me lose control

Josh Dun imagine

You were sat on the bench that was placed in front of the window. The rain was hitting the window and for a little while you simply sat in silence watching the rain drops made their way down the glass pane.
His feet touched your leg as he sat down in front of you.
His back was pressed against the wall, just like yours.
So many emotions went through you just by seeing him in this moment. You felt vulnerable, somehow this weather, this situation made you feel things, it made you think.
"Why? Why can't you just leave?", you asked with a sigh.
"Like right now, I mean I thought we could...you know talk", his eyes looked sad as he began to stand up.
"No I don't mean it like that.", you shook your head and he thankfully sat back down.
"I don't mean leave now...leave my life more like it.", there was silence between the two. You knew excatly what you wanted to say, you simply couldn't phrase it right. But he looked confused, his eyebrows crinkled as he studied your face for information.
"You can't it's impossible. I know. You can't just like magically remove the impact you had on my life. No one can do such a thing.", maybe he would understand this. It was so clear to you, but was it to him?
"I don't really understand what you mean. Please explain it to me. I want to do what ever is in my power to help you", his hand rested on your knee as he searched for eye-contact with you. His hand felt like it was burning you.
"It is so hard to explain. I. Okay let's try it like this.
I always, always had control over my life except for two times. One of which was when my grandma died. I was so close to her and her death just completely screwed me over. I didn't know how to react or act. I suffered internally a lot. My anxiety got bad when that happened and for a while I didn't socialise at all. I left my room as little as possible and when I did it was only to go to school or to the graveyard. I lost friends and certainly a bit of myself during that time. It took me a long time before I got back on normal and since then I was even more careful of what I was getting myself into. Until the second time it happened.", you had to pause because talking about your grandma made you tear up a little but also considering what you were about to tell Josh. His fingers rubbed your knee slightly as a hint to speak again and maybe as reassurance.
"I met you. I lost control since you entered my life. And I simply don't know how to move forward without telling you this.", you took a deep breath before continuing to talk. When you looked up Josh was staring at you, probably confused by what you were saying.
"Just to get it out of the way. I like you. A lot. I like you maybe a little too much. I have for quite awhile now. I think that might be part of the problem. You are you and I am just myself. Pretty soon after we got to know each other I felt something. I didn't want to because I knew that it would make me vulnerable and I didn't want that. I always knew how to stay away from trouble or more like pain. But you were too much I couldn't keep away. And now look at me, I am a wreck. I am anxious again, I don't know how to behave or act without being awkward around you. I don't want to do anything without you and it feels aweful because this is the excat opposite of what I like. I like to be as independent as possible but I can't be right now. Why do you make me feel these things? Why? I am not even good enough. I don't even have the slightest chance do I? Next to all the other people I have seen you with? I am nothing. Just a mess. Why? Why Josh?", a heart-wrenching sob filled your body and you tried to hold more back as much as you could.
There was silence between you two. Surprisingly it didn't feel awkward, it felt refreshing. It felt like a ton of bricks were lifted from your shoulders.
"You are everything", he spoke in a calm and loving manner. "I want that what you call a mess. I want you. I am sorry. I should have said something, I should have made it more obvious. I am stupid. I am so sorry that you had to suffer. Now knowing I could have stopped your suffering by simply asking you out....I feel horrible.", he sighed and looked up. You took his hand in yours and interrupted him.
"You didn't know! You couldn't.", it felt right to lift his hand and kiss it even though looking back at it, it might seemed a little weird.
"But I should have noticed something. It is so obvious now I was just ignorant. But I want you to know that it is okay to feel that way. I felt that many times. And to be honest....I am feeling it right now. Because you make me feel things too. So many things. And I need to get this of my chest... Y/N...I do like you too. Like a lot. And I want you to be happy and maybe I can help with that.", you knew what was coming. You weren't stupid, maybe a little delusional but not stupid.
"Will you go on a date with me?", he leaned forward a little until he was quite close to you.
"Yes", you pecked his cheek and for the first time in a while you smiled genuinely.

Credit to bandblogging on Tumblr