To anyone that wonders if I'm writing about them: I am

TwentyThree.

I don't know what's wrong.
I'm crying at 1:02 am and I'm sad
And I'm frustrated
And I don't know why
I feel like it might be work
But I'm doing fine
Then I feel like it might be the people around me
But I'm silent
I don't
Know
This is a previous draft I saved and I didn't even realize it.
You know what here's something new
On a new day
At a new time
For once I'm at odds (lol at for once when I'm always at odds)
Basically I'm happy
But still a lil sad
But mainly and mostly happy.
There's a new guy
And he's nice and he makes me laugh and smile and I'm happy
But then again I'm not
Because I'm starting to realize I'm drowning
In other people
Making other people the source of my happiness again
Here I am once again on a new day
Another night
Spent crying in my bed because once again a fucking boy
And my fucking friends
And family
And peers and everyone who I encounter makes me feel like I am not enough
Like I am not worthy
Like I can't be proud
I was so fucking happy when I graduated
I was so happy I didn't kill myself
I was so ecstatic that I got straight a's
By my self
I was so proud and my happiness was shot down by "o SHUTUP llogan it's not always about you"
My whole fucking life has been a "it's not always about you" moment and it's broken me in to several pieces at different times in familiar places
Every time I speak on wanting to be an actress I watch the people around me react funny
Like I said something I wasn't supposed to
I don't Even feel it anymore you know
I don't even feel the spark
The happiness
I don't feel the need to be engaged in other people's lives
I don't feel the need to have fun
To be excited
Or to even smile right now
Because once again I'm placed in the predicament that I am not enough.
For myself
My friends
My family
The boy
For anyone
Based on how I feel as though I'm being treated
Which to someone somewhere isn't a correct depiction of their actions.
I treat others how I'd like to be treated
But others do not treat me the same.
So
I've decided to hell with others
(I've decided this before and I'll prolly end up back in this same state again in a few months)
I'm gonna try and focus on me
Delete my apps
All that
So that I can I can learn to love myself
For me
Because (I gotta end this on a happy note although I'm miserable af rn and my eyes are burning)
I am enough.
You are enough.
We are enough and we have always been this way.
Remember if someone sees something they like in you 9 times out of 10 it was based on the simplicity of you being enough in the most "you-est" form you could be in.
If you read this still, thanks.
If you care still, thanks.
But I no longer can accept the opinions or values or thoughts or hate or judgement that impairs me to love or fully comprehend the value of who I am and what I am capable of.
Yes words hurt
And yes people hurt too.
But I'm choosing to no longer feel the pain they impose on me.
(If that's the right way to use the word idk .. see it's just
Me being enough right here . Prime example)
So thank you,
Llogan ❤️