(( i'm sorry but i can't stand writing again with that scientific layout, last time i felt like i was writing an essay for school, so i'm still going to talk about asexuality/being asexual, but in a less organized way than the previous one.
also, i think i already wrote something like this, but when i did there were still some pieces missing, so i guess i'm going back to the start. ))
okay, let's go back to 2015. i started following lgbt+ activists and youtubers (youtube's gonna be an essential part of the story, so if you don't like that i recommend you to stop reading n o w). i was constantly hearing about being lgbt+ / queer, and since i hadn't really thought much about my sexuality, because i always felt like i was "supposed to" be straight, i started analyzing every option.
the problem is that there are SO MANY different sexualities and genders, and i didn't know at the time that being non-binary or pansexual were a possibility.
but i vividly remember thinking one evening, before falling asleep, "listen, if you just don't know, you can say that you're asexual so you don't have to think about this stuff anymore."
little did i know that a few months later i would actually realize that i was in fact asexual.
now let's move tolate 2015. really late 2015. precisely the last couple days of the year. i was binge watching every single video on evan edinger's youtube channel, and i clicked on this one called "my sexuality".
evan was talking about being demisexual (i'm not in the mood for encyclopedia, so if you don't know what that means just look it up. by the way it's pride month so if you google lgby+ stuff there are rainbows and shit everywhere on your desktop.)
i was saying that he was talking about being demisexual, and i didn't really understood that there was a difference between asexuality and demisexuality, i just assumed they were the same thing (WHICH THEY'RE NOT !!) so i was like "done yeah you're just demisexual or whatever that means".
but a few days later, basically the first days of 2016, i started doing some research, and thank god tumblr exists, because i just found so many posts about asexuality, and i was slowly educating myself, so i understood that there were asexuals, demisexuals, grey-asexuals and all the romantic orientation stuff.
i finally figured out that i was asexual, because i don't experience sexual attraction, and also kind of sex-repulsed, because everytime i'm watching a movie and there's some romance/sex-scenes i just start checking my instagram feed, waiting for that to be over. (i'll be talking about the romance part in a bit).
but then it suddenly hit me.
if at first i felt relieved knowing that there was actually something i was a part of, it hit me the fact that i wasn't straight and that i wasn't gay or bi. i mean, when someone comes out and they say "i'm gay" you already know what that means. but coming out and saying "mum i'm asexual" sounded SO unnatural, because who the hell knows what asexuality is? i had found out just a couple of days before because i wanted so, so how could i blame someone for now knowing what that was?
and so it began. i basically spent all 2016 in the closet, buying a black ring for my finger and painting so many ace flags to put in my diary. but pretending to be someone else IS SO FUCKING DIFFICULT.
