jay's pov
i don't try to be a dick. it's just a natural defense i guess. i'm not sure, to be honest. i guess, it must've started when my dad left. it wasn't some "i'm going to the store" and he never came back thing. my mom was unstable. she was toxic. he wanted a divorce. but he didn't want me. i was a mistake anyway. i was the reason they had to get married. a prom night drunken mistake led to a marriage that crashed and burned before it even started. if i hadn't have been born, then they wouldn't have gotten married. and my dad wouldn't have had an affair, and abandoned us. my mom wouldn't have had mental breakdowns every day that ended with a 'y' and she wouldn't have ended her own life. she wouldn't have tried to end mine too. so maybe i'm a dick because of that. or maybe, there's no excuse. and i just suck. who knows. but the only thing i do know, is i never want to be like my father. that's why i can't ever fall in love. because what if, what if i fall in love. and then she loves me too, and i, i change my mind. i can't hurt a girl like that. i saw what it did to my mom, and i would never wish it on my worst enemy. never. so i avoid all positive interactions. always.
