I'm Straight I Swear!? (BoyxBoy)

23- Apollo 13

A/N Short litte chapter, because I haven't updated.

  I would have been less shocked to have seen Matthew walk through that door than Joey. The very notion that he would come here was inconceivable and I was still reeling from the repercussions. It was like he was a mirage, a simple hallucination, except sadly, the boy sitting next to me was one hundred percent flesh and bone. He was alive, well, and filled with a pride I could only pretend to muster. 

     When I first arrived here, I vowed to remain strong in my beliefs, to not give in to their regime of self hate, but after a few days I could feel myself begin to waver, my strength and courage depleting with every cruel act they committed. But Joey would be different I knew. He was a mountain, a tree whose roots have grown to the very core of the Earth. Growing up with this kid taught me one thing; once he made up his mind it was impossible to change.

     I had to smile at that, it would be interesting to see how the facility dealt with him, although by the looks of it he was pretending to want to change back to his supposedly natural state. And yet, he made that comment; ...and sometimes that natural state is being gay.. He had stood up for me as usual, even though I had nothing to deserve it. Here I was, supposedly redeeming myself, cleansing myself of my sins, only to have Joey sweep in like a glittery angel. I was tired of being saved, but at the same time...I needed it. I relied on it. Like a damsel in distress, I was sick of being held captive in the tower of my mind, but I knew no other role to play. This was my life, I realized dismally, crafted from bible scripture, and wooden crosses, I was forever sleeping on a bed of nails, stuck in perpetual purgatory.  Except...people could see me. I had suffered through the forced invisibility, I had made Mason love me as much as he could...and to some degree, I had come to love and accept myself. The boy sitting in this room was not the same Colin who had stood trial, nor the Colin who had killed Matthew with misplaced disgust. I had changed...so what war was I fighting now? What did I want these people to believe when their beliefs were as ingrained in them as mine had once been, as my own self-hate still was? I guess...in some perverse dream I wanted to see them fly a colored flag from the courtyard, wanted them to preach about equality. They argue that homosexuality is a choice, that Adam and Eve and God can us this thing called free will, yet every minute of every day that is exactly what they take away. They force us to follow their lead, obey their orders, becoming just another drone in the army of the so-called righteous, when the truly righteous are those who pray each night, go to church, love their God and their neighbor regardless of who their neighbor is or what they have done.

     Filled with these thoughts, I stood, causing Joey to look up in alarm. Mrs. Perky was still glaring down on us, clearly offended by Joey's earlier comment, but I ignored her, and the two other girls in the room. My eyes had developed tunnel syndrome, all I could see was that phrase natural state, hanging in the air like a banner, ready to be torn down and burned.

     "Ma'am, I've already told the Director this, but my sexuality is not up for debate. I am gay, and that's the solemn truth. What I did to Matthew, was not done in the name of God, but in the same of my own disgust and fear that he might be right, that I might have been just like him. But, I wasn't like him. Matthew grew up hearing the same Bible verses and testaments that I did, he lived in the same religious household with the same values and morals, but he grew up holy, and good, and pure, while I was corrupted by the words of people like you. This whole, natural state business, is a pointless argument. God created us, and yes, he gave us the ability to choose, but no one in their right mind would choose to be this way. Matthew died because of who he was, and every day more people like him die as well, boys with names like Luke, John, Gabriel, girls with names like Mary, and Magdalena...people whose only sin was pride. In who they were." I paused, breathing deeply, "So if you don't mind, I'd like very much to withdraw from the program, because clearly, you have nothing to offer me here."

     "If only you had a say in the matter."

     "What are you talking about?" I countered, turning. I could see Joey, his eyes had gone wide.

     "Well," She smiled, "there's the contract your parents signed. We have the right to detain you for the duration of your recovery. You should know, you signed it too."

     "You're lying...that's illegal." Joey piped.

     "Not under the law's of this state," and without meaning to, I started crying, again. I wasn't sad, no, I was angry. How many children had wrapped a bed sheet around their necks, how many had called home with frantic voices pleading for an exit sign, an escape route, a way out of this nightmare? I had accepted this man-made purgatory as retribution for my sins, not knowing that what I was really doing was walking into Hell.

     I slammed my fist into the nearest wall. My knuckles cracked under the pressure. "You can't do this!"

     "Honey," she cooed, "I already did."

     "Then undo it!" Joey spouted, "Burn the contract, destroy it, I don't care. You can't keep us here!" But his pleas were useless. We had gift-wrapped ourselves in in-exchangeable boxes. Stuck here, until we convinced them that we had converted, which was not a lie I was willing to tell, nor one they were going to believe.

     "I'm sorry, Joey," I whispered. "I'm so sorry," and I was. I hadn't wanted to hurt anyone else. Maybe I should have stayed invisible, to everyone. God, if you're still listening to me, please, please do something. Please help me, even though I don't deserve it. I am neither pious or pure, but I am sorry...more than anything else, I am sorry. Forgive me.

     "It's okay, I just wanted to be with you anyways..."

     "Why?"

     "Because," he said simply, "I love you."