The Sound of Ice

39

"Good evening, I'm Tara Walkers here with your evening sports report. Today we are speaking with Cameron Beckett, a rising star in the hockey world and high on the rankings for NHL draft pick."

I try not to fidget in my suit. There are lights and cameras shining around the studio, and Tara Walkers is smiling broadly at the camera. Blonde, wavy hair falls past her shoulders.

"So, Cameron," says Tara, glancing at me and smiling. I know Mom is standing in the studio somewhere, but it's too dark past the lights to see anything. "Thanks so much for joining us this evening."

"Of course."

"You're a captain on the St. Anne Lions, the leading CHL player in terms of points, and finishing up your last year of high school. Has this been a lot?"

"Um, yeah," I say, fighting to keep my voice calm. It's not like people across the country are watching this or anything. Did Sam learn his sarcasm from me? "It's a lot, but hockey is something that I love, so I'm so thankful I have the opportunity to do this."

I glance briefly to the screen behind Tara. They're showing clips of me scoring.

"Now, Cameron," says Tara. "There have been different reports swirling around about your sexuality that you wanted to clear up today..." She raises her eyebrows at me and nods.

"Yes." I clear my throat and crack my knuckles. "Um, I am gay. Um... that doesn't change the way I play hockey, or the way I treat my teammates, or anything, obviously... but... yeah."

"So once you are drafted for the NHL, you'll be the first out, gay player. Is that a lot for you to take on?"

"Um, yeah, definitely." I try to smile. "But..."

"It's who you are," says Tara, helping me out.

"Yeah."

"Well, everyone here at TSN is rooting for you."

"I appreciate that."

"Thanks so much for joining us today, Cameron." Tara smiles at the camera. "Our viewers at home can watch Cameron play on the St. Anne Lions, or tune in to the NHL draft. Stay tuned for some baseball spring training analysis, right after the break."

The lights dim and I take a shaky breath. Tara shakes my hand.

As I step down from the set, Mom is there, brushing imaginary dust off my shoulders.

"That was great," she says.

"Mom, please don't cry."

"I'm not!" She smiles and smooths over my tie. "I'm not."

I hug her. I'm way taller than her now. She smells like clean perfume and rain.

~

A week goes by. Then two. Then three.

Fan mail comes spilling through the slot in the front door. Well, mostly fan mail.

Also, more people show up at home games now. The arena usually isn't sold out, but still, there's a difference.

I still don't know what I'm doing. No one wrote a fucking rule book. But I sleep, some nights, and I study math with Sam, and I go to practice everyday, and I go on walks with Hailey. That's our new thing, going on walks together.

"Cameron," she says one day. The snow finally melted, and now there's just a few patches of ice lining the streets. The sky is a pale, cloudless blue, and trees are starting to bud with green. "Are you gonna miss me when you move?"

"So much," I say.

"Where are you gonna go?"

"I'm not to sure yet. Whatever team picks me."

"Where do you wanna go?"

"I'd be happy anywhere. Where do you want me to go?"

"You can play in St. Anne."

"Well, there's not a team here."

"There should be." She kicks a pebble down the sidewalk and takes my hand. "You know, I like hockey."

"Do you?"

"Yeah."

"Me too, Hailey." I smile.

The thing is, I'm stuck in a weird state of waiting. Waiting for graduation, for draft day, to know who I am, to leave St. Anne, to miss St. Anne, to leave Sam... but for now, I breathe in the chilly air with my little sister. What else am I supposed to do?

~

I'm unlacing my skates in the locker room after practice, lockers slamming around me, when my phone buzzes in my bag.

tom is in hospital, can you come?

"Shit," I mutter. Ethan yanks on a sweatshirt and looks at me.

"Dude," I say. "I'm sorry, but can you find another ride home?"

Ethan groans dramatically. "Cameroooon."

"I'll owe you one, okay? I really can't tonight. Something came up."

"I can drive you home, Ethan!" Ollie smiles and waves from the other side of the locker room.

Ethan frowns. "Isn't that in the opposite direction of where you are?"

"Yeah, but don't worry about it!"

"Great," I say. I pull on sweatpants and sling my bag over my shoulder. "See you guys tomorrow."

"What's the rush, Cameron?"

The sky outside is cloudy and black, and the air is cold against my skin. It takes three times for the car to start.

The hospital. I hate the hospital. It makes my stomach twist just thinking about it. But the car takes me there. Right on Wells, left on Main, block after block of yellow streetlights and lit up homes, the orange glow of cigarettes and the dirty exhaust from old factories.

Sam is sitting in the corner of the waiting room. He looks exhausted.

"Sam?"

He glances up at me.

"How - what - how's Tom?" I sit beside him.

"He's okay," Sam says. "The doctor just came out and talked to me. Just an unusually severe reaction to the medication, he said. But he'll be fine."

"That's good. That's good."

He rubs his face. "Thanks for coming. You don't have to stay." God, he sounds so, so tired.

"Sam, you should rest. You want to take a nap?"

"No, no, I'm okay."

"Okay. But I'll stay."

"Okay."

So we just sit there in the waiting room far longer than we have to, under the bright lights, as other tired people chatter around us. At some point, he finds my hand.

Things are supposed to work out in the end. But when is the end?

A/N okay lol to answer Cameron's question: I want to give you guys a heads up before the ending, which I think is going to be in around 3-4 chapters? maybe a bit more, but we'll have to see.

also, keep in mind this is a very very very very very veryy rough first draft haha, so a) yeah very rough b) I'm gonna try really hard to end this without forgetting any details that should be wrapped up, since it's published I can't really go back and add in random small stuff later. let's see how much I forget to include yay

thanks so much to everyone reading / voting / commenting you guys are the true rock stars!!