distract him; phan + troyler

chapter 12

phil's pov

i tap my thin pencil against my assignment paper repeatedly in a slow pattern, too lost in thought to really pay attention. i can't help but wonder what happened to dan. he disappeared sometime during lunch, and i haven't seen him since. i waited for him after school for half an hour, but he never came. he isn't answering calls or texts and i can't help but be extremely worried about him. i thought about going to his house but i'm afraid his parents would be there, or that he wouldn't be.

my anxiety overwhelms me though, so i end my internal debate with myself and unlock my phone. my fingers hover over the keyboard, struggling to find words that will guarantee he answers.

phil: are you okay
phil: please answer
phil: dan i'm worried about you
phil: please tell me you're okay <3

i hesitate to send another message, i don't want to be a bother. what if he's avoiding me on purpose, or he wants a little space? i'd be causing a problem. i toss my phone to the end of the bed, sighing as it lands softly. i turn my attention back to my homework, but my mind is too far gone. i have a weird, sinking feeling, like something is wrong. maybe i made dan upset, or maybe he's in trouble. what if he hurt himself? or someone hurt him?

"stop!" i yell aloud, trying to convince my mind to silence itself. i need some peace, i can't always focus on dan. he's probably upset with me, and that's why he's not answering.

my shoulders slouch in dismay as i draw a bath, breathing in the steam that's rising from the water. i open my bathroom cupboard to choose a bath bomb. a glittery pink one catches my eye. i place it in the bubbly water, watching swirls of champagne pink meld with the crystal water. dots of green form patterns over the surface, mesmerising me with its simplistic beauty. i peel off my clothes and sink into the water. the warmth stings momentarily, but soothes my sore muscles. my body is worn, and tired from all the stress lately.

i brush my hand off on a towel, then grab a bar of soap from the side of the tub. i draw lines across my arms and thighs, making pretty soapy pictures. it's relieving, and smooth. my eyes slowly close as i lean back, breathing in the heavy scent of the bath. it's heavenly, as if someone has replaced my bathroom with a flower shop. clean scents of lavender and roses are the strongest, but they're mixed with many others. i let myself doze off a bit, not exactly asleep, but sort of detached from my body, like i'm floating.

the universe must decide that i've had enough time relaxing, because suddenly my phone rings. i jump, splashing water around as i stand. i don't know what possesses me, maybe it's because i was so startled, but i sprint into my bedroom dripping wet to see if it's dan. i slide open the message, cursing under my breath at the freezing temperature of the room. i should've at least grabbed a towel.

the text is short, just my mum checking in on me, saying she'll be home in a bit. i slam the phone down again, shaking my head like a polaroid photo. why am i so impulsive? it's a very obnoxious quality. my carpet is now soaked because of it, and i'm freezing to death. i stumble back into the toilet and wrap myself in a fluffy towel, feeling discontent settle itself on my shoulders. my lungs feel tight, like someone is squeezing my throat and cutting off the airflow. tears prick in the back of my eyes and i urge myself to calm down.

i lean against the door, sinking to the ground, sitting with my head in my hands. "breathe," i mumble to myself. "stop being so weak." my words slur together as i choke slightly. tears drop slowly down my face, a feeling that's grown far too familiar. i hate it, how lame i am. no wonder tyler and dan don't want to spend time with me. all i do is weigh people down, and make them upset. tyler is probably elated to be away from me, he can finally achieve his dream of being well known in the school, with troye by his side.