chapter 44 | without warning

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As soon as the coast is clear, I go to Phoenix's car

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As soon as the coast is clear, I go to Phoenix's car. I take a picture of it with the club in the background as proof. I take a picture of the license plates. I have no idea why I'd need proof for myself. I guess it's for him, in case he tries to lie his way out of it. I pull on the car door, checking if he left it open. No luck. I cup my eyes with my hands and peer into the driver's side window. On the seat is a plastic pink card that says, "VIP."

Slippery asshole. You should bust his windshield. Wonder what he'll do then.

He'll be pissed!

You're the one that should be mad! Look at what he's doing! He's not the one. He already has his one!

I know it looks bad, really bad. But maybe there's an explanation . . . .

Like what? Hey Ari, here's my real girl! You're just my side piece!

Without warning, that sick feeling surges up and out of my belly, projecting my dinner onto the driver's side window. Too weak to move, I rest my arm and forehead against the part of the car not covered in vomit. It brings relief for a little while. I gain my balance, standing there for a moment, stunned by all that's happened.

Desperate for an explanation, I call him. I should expect it by now. No answer. Not sure what to do, I hang out, waiting for him to return. I call him again.

He sees me calling. Why is he doing this to me? I thought he loved me. He told me he loved me . . . this is what I was afraid of. This is why I held back. Love is dangerous.

I sit on the curb at the rear of his car, and for the first time since I decided to play detective, my mind isn't racing and I'm finally able to catch my breath but the break is short lived. Everything begins to process all at once and an overwhelming sadness sits heavy in my chest. The weight of the world has been dropped on me and I can't bear it. I'm not quite sure how I got here, but the sorrow of realizing that this is where it all led, leaves me feeling like a newly abandoned orphan.

Depressed.

Hopeless.

And yearning to be loved again.

I'm all alone in this. No one. Not one person can save me from the depth of pain I feel right now. Not even my mom. The lies. The betrayal. The disrespect. When all I did was hold him in the highest regard? He was my hero. He made me feel safe. Oh God. This endless, bottomless, dark void is so vast. How can I make it stop? How do I cover it up? How can I fill it up again? It's so empty.

I'm empty without him.

Phoenix's flashy car, the parking lot, the club, all of it looks as if it is underwater. A watery grave. Everything is drowning with me. My head is heavy, throbbing under the emotional pressure and my tears. I surrender to the despair that's closing in on me and bury my head in my hands, allowing myself to have a good, long cry.

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