TCC [h.s.] ✔

what to do?

After that magical night, I didn't hear from Harry for a while. 

If I really think about the fact he's ignoring my last message... it really really hurts. I'm trying not to think about it, but it's so unsettling. It's like... I'm so afraid to lose him. I'm so afraid that he's not going to talk to me or hang out with me. I need him so bad.   

A couple of days more passed and he still hasn't replied.

I've lost hope. It's been nearly a month, he doesn't take that long to reply. I don't think he is going to reply at all. I feel like complete shit. My heart aches so bad.

I'm still in love with my teacher.

I've been drinking for a few nights straight and Carissa is worried. I can tell.

I have things to figure out and I know that.

I guess it's desperation. That's how I feel and that's what I felt: desperation.

He's ignored some of my messages, but very few. I'm trying to go back and find messages that he never responded to so I can see if I said something in a way that turned him off.

I sent him an email saying that it wouldn't be bad memories that it would be the best memories I could ever have... and then he never responded to that one. So like a few days after that, I just sent another email about something different and he responded to that and then our conversations just continued normally.

So, I feel like maybe when it gets to the point where he realizes there's nothing he can say to change my mind, that's when he just doesn't respond? I don't know. 

And then it happened. A text from him.

Congrats on your results.

But that's all it said. I was even more disappointed, but the fact he thought of me somehow made me feel better. But he then continued ignoring me.

I'll be fine all week, maybe one or two moments where I become weak and let myself feel his absence in that place but I recover quickly and then I'm fine.  

I want to talk about everything with Carissa, but at the same time, I don't because I know that it's going to just make me even more depressed, and she's really happy with Alex's dad. 

This really sucks. I was supposed to do something today, but after reading his message over and over again, I wound up just staying in bed all day. It's stupid, but I felt too depressed to do anything.

I hate that I keep thinking about my teacher crush when I know that he doesn't give two shits about me. While I was his student he made me believe that he cared for me and liked me as a person. Now that I've left school, he acts like he doesn't know me.  

What does that say about him?

I feel like the second you allow yourself to get close to someone you also open yourself up to the risk of not only losing them but also, dealing with suffering and pain and heartbreak and all these terrible feelings.   

It's hard, it's especially hard when things are confusing, when people say one thing and mean another... or when you know you think about them more than they think about you, and you care more about them than they do about you... it sucks.   

I think he does care about me... but that's different than love or like, I feel like he does care about me, but maybe he just likes the attention I gave him.