Something About Sam

Chapter 25

I'm sober for three days. I pick up a pencil and my guitar and I start writing a song. A real one. I wish I was in Blue Falls, sitting on a rock by the stream behind the Jefferson's house. But I'm in the tour bus, driving towards Texas.

The song is good. It's a little profane, but it's the most real thing I've done in months. It has notes so high I'm afraid I won't hit them, but I do. And I draw out every syllable and pronounce every word like I know he's listening.

I'll give you the chorus:

Fuck you Kentucky

Why did you leave me, Kentucky

There's too much we haven't done

I'm coming undone

I just want to

Fuck you, Kentucky

And the last line is slow. It's acapella.

Everything I touch is a mess

I need you to fix me

Kentucky

My mom thinks it's too vulgar, but Sarah loves it. I haven't run it by Lena because her friend with the coke left me unconscious in a bar the other night, so I'm trying to distance myself from everything Lena related. Lottie says I need to do a juice cleanse. Plus, we're stuck on this bus and we're not leaving until we reach Texas.

We tour the south and the Midwest and I'm getting better about my drug habit. No coke. Pills before shows just to calm my nerves. Talking to Taite must have helped. We haven't talked since, but I think he knew that was going to happen. He sends me texts that say Good luck, followed by the dreaded dude before shows, and they're nice. I reply to some. Every time it's the same: Thanks, man. What I really want to write is Fuck me, Kentucky. But I don't.

The Jefferson's ask if we want to come to their place for Christmas. Odds are Sarah is the only Jefferson who knows that Taite and I ever dated. Mrs. J suspected, but I don't think Taite ever really confirmed nor denied. My mom asks me if it will be too hard for me to see Taite. I say yes. She doesn't bother me about it again.

I answer a call from Sarah on Christmas. I'm sitting in my living room, under our Christmas tree. My dad is drinking tea across from me. It's the first time we've seen each other in a few months. He suspects I've been "up to no good" and he wants to have a discussion. I tell him about Taite. It takes a lot out of me, thinking about him for more than a few minutes. But as I tell my dad about our fleeting love story, I feel myself smile and smile and I watch my dad smirk like he knows everything in the world but he's just not ready to tell me.

"Happy Christmas, love!" I tell Sarah once I answer the phone, the smile on my face from my conversation with dad clearly present in my voice.

There's no answer for a few moments. "Sarah?"

Someone clears their throat. "Yeah, sorry. Uh, it's me. It's Taite, not Sarah. Sorry, I realized this is a psycho ex-boyfriend move, calling from my sister's phone so you'll answer it. Yeah. Sorry. I'm sorry. Merry Christmas, Sam. Here's Sarah."

I can't get a word in before Sarah is taking over the phone, chattering away like she hadn't just witnessed Taite's blunder. She's talking about school and getting over Troy. It all blurs. Taite called me his boyfriend again. My mind has gone to his voice, and now I'm daydreaming about his chest and his crazy blonde hair and his teeth that are so straight and white God certainly bestowed them upon TJ himself, deeming him the only one worthy. I'm daydreaming about a make believe moment where Taite and I are in my bed in London, where I take off my necklace—a cross, for St.Jude—and I put it around his neck and I kiss his cheek and I tell him to keep it, so he'll always have me right where I should be. On his heart.