daily dm || harry styles || complete

X

get ready ;)

to set the tone, i wrote this while listening to Love You Goodbye (it came on shuffle)

~~~~

EMAIL

FROM - elliepotts11@gmail.com

TO - graciegeorgedesigns@gmail.com

SUBJECT - i'm sorry, gracie

(1:34 PM, 26.01.2017)

Hey, G.

Listen, I know that I haven't been the bestest of best friends lately. I also know that you asked for time, but since when have I been good at listening to demands? Also, we both know that I'm the most stubborn person we know, so consider yourself lucky that I'm breaking first. You know what else I am? Impatient. And bored. It's really boring without you, Gracie. All your jokes. I mean, it's only been like 5 days, but I miss you? I hope you're having fun staying with Mackenzie. I hope he's being nicer to you than I was. God, I really am a bitch aren't I?

On a happier note, I'm trying out this email thing! Time to see what our parents have been raving about all these years. Plus, it feels better to write long things over email than it does over text, so here I go. Also, there's a much smaller chance of you actually reading this email, and I'm kind of scared, you know?

I know what I did was horrible, and I shouldn't have started that fight with you. I was keeping a secret that really didn't need to be kept, and for that I really am truly sorry, G. I just hope that after you get this explanation you might forgive me.

Basically, you remember year 12? Of course you do. Both of us do. I really wish I could forget. Still. It got worse. This year, I went back to that horrible, horrible place that I swore I would never go back to. I mean, you knew that I relapsed, but you didn't know the extent of it. I didn't want to feel weak, you know? You were so happy with Mack, and I didn't want to be the horrible little downer that ruined it all for you. I guess I turned out being the horrible downer anyway, hey?

Still. I guess I was so used to you being there for me. I used to be the only person you had, and you were the same for me. We were so dependent on each other. This time, though, you had Mack. I love him, I really do, and I love how happy he makes you, but I think something inside of me broke, you know? Knowing that I wasn't the only one you had anymore. It was something a bit like jealousy, I think. 

I don't even know why I started doing it. I knew how idiotic it was. I started keeping secrets from you. Small things, turned into medium things, turned into huge things that you really should've known about. I guess in some twisted way I thought you'd realise, you know? I thought you would see that I'd kept all this stuff from you, and you'd understand the reason, and then you'd come crawling back and we could be the way we were again.

I'm selfish and horrible, trust me, I know.

Still, I kept burrowing things away. What you just read? That was basically my biggest secret. But those small secrets are unimportant. They were all things like 'I at your cereal' or 'I broke your pen'. Stupid things. They made me feel better, but I also felt worse.

I didn't want the girls to find out either. We'd moved to Sydney, this was our fresh start. No one had to know how screwed up my stupid brain was. They still don't know. I'm afraid that I'll lose them, you know? After keeping something like this from them.