Chapter 47

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Camila’s POV

Every time I thought things were heading into a certain direction, or developing in a certain manner, they turned out to be the exact opposite. Or at least that was what it felt like sometimes.

After the Neon Lights Tour had come to an end, I had been very anxious of what was to come. My fear had been in vain. The girls and I were back in LA to record our first album. That process was even more fun that touring; or just as fun maybe. It was difficult to compare these things since I was literally living my dream and appreciating everything that came my way. All of my worries about my dream possibly coming to an end sooner than I thought had been for absolutely nothing. So, that was one thing I hadn’t expected.

The other was my extremely confusing relationship to Lauren.

With the end of the tour approaching, I had also noticed my band member becoming more distant. I had felt like she didn’t really care about the scrutiny and that was a good thing. The downside had been her lack of interest in me but I had made a complete fool of myself after giving her rose at the gas station. Just the memory had me cringing.

But that was beside the point; I had thought that Lauren was done with the assumptions being made about us. She had been handling herself well and ‘camren’ was maybe over for good.

Of course, I had been wrong. Just a few days ago, the green-eyed had gone on tumblr to call one of our fans ‘delusional’ for making a comment about us. At this point, I was very surprised to see her answering those types of questions after having avoided them for so long. Scrolling through my dashboard that night and reading her response had my heart racing.

As if my feelings for her weren’t conflicting enough, she had to go and do this. Why? That was the most prominent question in my head. Why did it bother her so much? To a point where she had to defend herself? What was there to defend? Was it so horrible to be linked to me? Even if it was just a ‘delusion’ and not real? Why on earth was she such a pain in the ass sometimes?!

To say that I wasn’t hurt would be a lie. Lauren couldn’t hold back. I knew this about her. In fact, I had spent many hours, too many hours, reflecting and brooding about her emotionally reactive side. She couldn’t help herself and felt like she had to retaliate when she felt hurt or whatever it was that made her do this. But at what point did I have to stop pretending that she wasn’t hurting me with this? At one point did I have to speak up?

I never said anything about the entire thing. Yes, I made little comments here and there but those were mostly made in gest so no one would notice that I was the one with the inappropriate feelings. But I had never talked to Lauren about it one-on-one. Maybe I should just tell her, I said to myself. Tell her that I had feelings for her but was happy for her and Luis. The only thing I needed from her would be to be more considerate about ‘camren’.

The mere thought of doing this horrified me. She’d probably never talk to me again. She’d definitely never see me the same way. And I couldn’t risk that, could I? I wasn’t sure what bothered me more: Lauren’s outbursts on social media or my inability to just tell her the truth.

Ever since she had made those comments on tumblr and twitter, I had taken a step back because I couldn’t pretend that nothing was wrong. She was essentially saying that us being together was the biggest joke in the history of the world. Ok, maybe she wasn’t as dramatic as that but she was degrading the idea of us. Even if it was just that, an idea, it still hurt to know what she thought of it.

My distant behavior went mostly unnoticed because Lauren had been with Luis. I hid out in my room or spent my time with Dinah and Normani mostly. As happy as I was for Lauren, I did not want to be a witness of her happiness with someone else if I could avoid it; especially after recent events. Luis was gone by now and I had a feeling the other Latina had caught on to my distance. She had tried approaching me several times in the last days but I had this bottled up frustration that I couldn’t tell her about. A part of me felt bad because she knew I was being off but didn’t tell her why. On the other hand, she never told me why she had to make ‘us’ a joke.

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