Nothing Wrong With Loving

Chapter 9: Relationships

Nothing was ever simple and heartbreak at a certain age can be made to be a huge fucking dramatic event that makes you do things you didn't think you'd ever do like clean your house spotless, watering plants and actually talking to them, wash the dishes instead of putting them in the dishwasher or... writing a letter to your brother.

It hurt so bad that I wrote it all down. He was the only person that could help me.

In that moment of desperation, I truly believed Tobias and only Tobias held the answers to all my questions. I needed answers, I needed to know and who else had gone through this? Who else was in the same exact position that I was in? It was only him, Tobias.

I need help, Tobias. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel. There are so many different things happening all at once. Why is it that the simplest things in life are actually the hardest? I don't understand, I don't understand anything at all. Were you this confused too? Was being here, around the people that you're supposed to love the most, what made you the most miserable?

During that week, I saw Ceci twice. She spent a lot of time with Abby and Abby spent a lot of time laughing and not crying over a high school drama. I was glad for her.

Acceptance letters were arriving and lots of people were either celebrating or disappointed but, either way, they all did the same: party and drink. I wasn't in the mood for parties, no matter how many times Kai tried to convince me. I didn't want to do anything at all.

At times I think I'm depressed. Is it wrong for me to say that? I have a roof over my head, food every night, a warm bed, both of my parents and I have a job. Is it wrong for me to feel sad? Is it wrong for me to want to throw everything away for her? It's scary to love someone so much that you're willing to drop everything just for them, just because there's a possibility that you and this person could grow old and die next to each other someday when your eyes grow so tired from all that you've lived and they finally close. Surrounded by your children, grandchildren, surrounded by those whose existence was living proof of the love you and that person shared...

I love her, you know? Like for real... but sometimes I think our relationship was built on lies and I'm afraid I've become a toxic presence in her life. What if all I've done is cause her pain because of my lies? Because of my fear and need to stay hidden?

I don't know, Tobias, I don't even know what I'm saying but I do know that I'm sad all the time. I'm sad when I don't have her and I'm sad when I have her because I know what it means. Knowing that I love her in the way I do makes me so sad. I am not what I was created to be. I am not what our parents expected when they decided to have children. And to know I'm a disappointment to them breaks my heart to pieces so I try to push her away.

Day after day passed. I was a ghost walking around a ghost town. I was slowly becoming the one thing I hated the most and what was worse, I had no intention nor did I have the strength to do anything to change it. I was being extra dramatic and I didn't care. Cecily was never going to be with me and I deserved it.

Nobody deserved to be kept a secret and I made her out to be one. It was like having the most beautiful butterfly kept in a little room without light, without freedom. Cecily was the most beautiful butterfly that had ever excised and I put chains on her wings. Cecily Hayes had the type of beauty that was rarely found, I'm not only talking about physical beauty, but I'm also talking about the person she was, about what was inside her brain and soul, about her as a person... Cecily's beauty was a beauty rarely found and that kind of beauty should never be kept a secret. It should be set free because the fact that I wasn't willing to share my own secret, to be open about my sexuality, it somehow was tied to Cecily not being able to share her own secret.