therapy

» pressure

My heart sunk down into the world, deep through the specs of soil, past the roots of the plants, and buried itself in a coffin thousands of feet under as I looked at the text message.

There's no point in living. I'm hurting so much. I don't want to do this anymore. I just can't live like this. I can't escape this and make some revolutionizing life change. People say if you don't like your life, go change it. But they don't understand that some people don't have that opportunity. I wish so badly that I did. I want to live a life so happy. I want to smile, I want to feel the sun a little bit more. It just hurts to breathe, to think, to even remotely feel without wanting to claw at my own skin.

I want to be there to feel the white wedding dress in between my fingertips. I want to be here. But I know that I will never be happy when I am walking down that aisle because it will be with a man that I do not love. The constant pressure crushes my bones into pieces. I am aching physically because of how much pressure my thoughts have caused. My heart does not beat as smoothly. My brain is fuddled with thoughts of pure sadness. You will forget about me soon. You will move on with your life, so will the people that have choked any piece of me from me.

My eyes blurred with tears and my shaking fingers started to press down the phone's keys as hard as I could.

I'm here for you. Please, just breathe another day. You're so much more worth than what they say. They don't know how you're going to be doing such brilliant things in the future. Don't let their awful and vile behavior ruin how great of a person you are. You're kind, you're always wanting to help people, you're so dedicated, you've done incredible things like write books, and make beautiful videos, and save lives. You're a special gem. Please don't let their mud cover you up. Please, please, please. I don't know what to say or what to do. I don't know. All I do know is that you will get through this. You will make it. I know they're taking your identity away, but you're going to come back so much stronger. You will make them regret how they're treating you. I love you; you mean so much to me. Please, stay.

I kept looking at the clock and then my phone. Waiting for that response. Waiting for her to tell me that she will stay. Tick tock. Tick tock.

You don't understand. You just don't get it. Let's say I breathe for another day. And then what? It will be another pathetic day, listening to their cruel words. I will be in my thirties and still feeling worthless. This is how they are. And you can't shake them off. I thought starting college would be a life-changing moment. I thought they would recognize that I deserve some, even the tiniest, ounce of respect. But no, while everyone is out there living their life, I'm stuck in these four walls. Told how to move, what to eat, who to talk to, who I cannot look in the eyes, how I am a waste of space, how I would make their lives so much easier if I didn't use my mind. You say I can move away, but they will physically crush me to pieces if I do. I'll just swallow the pills, one day at a time, till my liver gives in. Till my heart realizes it has no use beating once more. Just live your life. You've been blessed. Some people just aren't so lucky at the wheel of life. We just have to accept this.

I shook my head. I reread the message twice. I felt the stabs of the words. My body didn't know what to do. My thoughts swam out of my brain.

I refuse to accept this. Let me give you reasons why you should stay alive. Just hear me out. Promise?