Translation of Love

6

Hold Me

It's been two weeks now since my first meetup with Taeyoung. We meet a couple of times a week, although we haven't gone out to eat like that one night since. He seems to be more comfortable at the cafe we first came too, and I don't mind. It's beginning to feel like a safe haven for myself as well.

While we are growing comfortable with each other, at the same time it seems more and more impossible to break down the wall he has built in front of him. He rarely smiles back at me and flinches when our hands accidentally brush together.

It's been a while since I've last seen him.

I also started classes. They are a bit strange. The variety of students from all different cultural backgrounds is cool but makes it hard for the professor to teach sometimes. The Western culture of being able to speak out to the professor quite freely was a bit of a shock to one professor, who was new to teaching in English. It also made some Eastern students upset or uncomfortable.

I just stay silent, as I usually do. I don't like having any attention on me anyway.

Taeyoung teaching me hangul ended up being handy for my first Korean class since that was the first thing we learned. It was admittedly nice to pretend as if I was a natural at pronunciation, to which many others commented that it was because I was half Korean.

I wish it was that easy.

Today is Sunday and I'm in my room going over the Korean homework when my phone rings. A counsellor for the Korean language program had helped foreign students get a Korean SIM card. The only person who has this number though is my aunt. Why would she call me?

I freeze in shock when I see the name sperm donor appear on my phone. I never gave the new number to my father. Thanks aunt.

I didn't actually imagine that he'd ever call me, so seeing the name I gave his contact when I was in heat of the moment makes me regret the decision now. How embarrassing, I have to remember to change that before someone sees it.

I stare at it for a bit longer. I've never heard my father's voice before, at least not that I remember.

"Hello?" I cautiously say into the phone.

"Summer."

Deep, and a bit rough around the edges. That's what my father's voice sounds like.

Hearing it makes my eyes burn with incoming water.

"I-I can't talk right now." I blurt out.

"Oh," he pauses. This whole situation is too awkward and too painful for me to deal with.

I hang up. Then I burst into tears. Head down on my desk, buried in my arms, I cry as quietly as I can, knowing that the rooms beside me and even below and above could hear. The walls are way too thin.

I can't do this.

I grab my bag and key and throw a baseball cap on my head, pulling the brim down low enough that my eyes aren't too visible. Since my contacts aren't in, I put my glasses on to further conceal my face. I leave the dormitory and walk wherever my feet take me, preferably somewhere vacant.

My phone vibrates and I see a message from Taeyoung.

Are you free to meet now?

No, I quickly and probably rudely reply.

Ok.

I'm sorry, I just can't right now

I try to sound a bit more apologetic and slip my phone back into my pockets, walking more urgently now. Tears keep burning my eyes, and I'm grateful to realize that the sun is setting.

***

I don't know why, but my feet carried me to where Junwoo's sharehouse is. Probably because it's the furthest place from my dorm that I can get to by myself. Not wanting to get lost, I walk through the alley beside the building. The back of the building is dimly lit by a few lights. Quiet but not in the least bit scary. There are a few flower pots around, maybe from people who live inside.

There's also a kitten eating from a bowl of food.

When I take a seat on the ground, the black and white kitten comes up to me, shoving the side of its face into my palm. I mindlessly pet it as I let tears softly fall down my face. The urge I had to ugly cry was gone, instead, a very numb and silent cry fills my face with water and a red nose.

"I wish I had your life," I mutter to the kitten who is now climbing onto my lap.

The sound of incoming footsteps doesn't resonate with me until it's too late. I try to frantically get up but the kitten is lying on top of me, and I don't want to startle it. Instead, I fall back onto my butt.

I can sense the person standing in front of me staring. Then they walk off and I hear a rustling sound. The kitten immediately pounces off of my lap. With my protective shield gone I freeze, hoping it's dark enough that I can pretend to be someone who lives here.

He's filling up the bowl with cat food. Then he stops and looks back at me again, and this time I really freeze. My breath stops in my throat, the tears immediately suspending in my eyes. The figure walks towards me, trying to get a better view of my face.

It's him.

I look down at my lap, hoping he couldn't tell who I am. But I sense him sitting down beside me.

I still haven't released my breath.

"Why are you here." It doesn't even sound like a question.

I wonder why he is here too? Is he visiting Junwoo? I can't say anything because I know I'll choke up if I do. The last thing I wanted was to talk to someone, especially someone that I texted saying I can't meet.

He asks me again, but I still don't answer. My breath comes out abruptly when his hand lightly clenches my jaw, turning my head up and sideways to look at his face. He holds my jaw like this for a while, probably taking in my red nose and teary eyes. He's never intentionally touched me like this.

I feel embarrassed, so embarrassed that I so desperately want to crawl into a hole; and this vulnerability I feel, the shame that takes over me causes me to explode from within. Ugly sobs attack my body, and his hand instantly drops. I cover my face in my hands.

This is it. This is the end of our potential friendship. I curl up into a little ball, hat falling off of my head.

How absurd of an image this is.

I'm wailing while this guy just sits there, not leaving in fear. I barely know anything about him and yet after a while of pathetically sobbing, I feel myself get pulled towards him, his arms wrapping around me and placing my head on his chest.

I'm too scared to try and pull away and instead let this happen. I cry, I sob and shake and I wail while he just holds me, hiding me from the world around us.

It's the first true cry I've been able to have since it happened. Since my mother passed. And I truly take advantage of this situation, crying because of how damn cruel the world is. Yelling because of how much I hate my father, someone who was never there to help us, shaking because of how scared I am.

And all the while he just holds me, his heartbeat steady and beating through his chest, his hands moving in slow rotations on my back, his breath hitting the back of my cold neck, warming it up.

He just holds me together.

. . .

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Love,

Sooaura