Side pack + Friends One Shots

Just... Breathe

Ethan's POV

Being stuck here was one of the worst situations I could have ever put myself in. I didn't want to be here and my head thought along the same lines, but it kept hurling other shit at me as I turned to my boyfriend. He uh, God he's so fucking perfect but I can't help but feel as though it's not real. It's not a real relationship and knowing me, it probably never will. I wish my head would shut the fuck up.

Simon: "Ethan you ok? You keep staring at Harry."

Ethan: "S-Sorry."

I felt his hand under the table as it held mine, soft to the touch while he continued talking. He knows I get like this but I don't want to say Depression. It is, I know it is, but I don't want it. I'm still a fun, happy go lucky guy. I wasn't like the stereotype placed on people with Depression and I made sure that I wasn't. I'm just me right?

Josh: "Ethan? You look terrible dude are you ok?"

Ethan: "Fine."

I wasn't fine, My mental state wasn't fine, I'm not fine I never will be fine why would you say that you fucking idiot? Seriously Ethan all you had to do was be like Oh yeah no I'm great now that I'm out of the house and I'm not by myself. But fine, is that really all you could come up with? Maybe you are pathetic.

Ethan: "I need to go outside."

Before the others could move, I was already leaving the restaurant, the tears threatening to fall and yet here I was, sitting down outside a freaking restaurant, just outside of view from anyone inside, letting out the emotion inside me. I felt wrong, I felt useless, why the fuck was I so stupid, why did I agree to this. He doesn't love me, he never will love me, he's made that abundantly clear whenever I try to do, anything.

Harry: "Ethan?"

Ethan: "Harry please go inside, I want to be alone right now."

Harry: "You know I can't do that. Not while you are out here by yourself in the cold for christ sake, Ethan look at me, what's wrong?"

Not once, he won't ever say it because he can't, look at you, who the fuck would ever want to say it to say it to you of all people. I wonder if he says it to any of the other guys? Even as a Joke?

Ethan: "Please?"

Harry: "I can't go back inside and you know that. You are sitting out here, by yourself and something big is on your mind I can tell, talk to me. Please?"

Ethan: "I can't, you will hate me."

Harry: "I can't hate you, no matter what."

Ethan: "You don't like me, you aren't into me I get it. You don't like guys full stop and I get it alright. I don't know if I can keep doing this. We are two completely different people. You need to be with a woman, a woman can make you happy even though I know for a fact that bitch will take you for granted and use you. For your money, for your loyalty and for your time and I already can't do that, I feel wrong when you pay for things, I feel disgusting knowing that we spend so much time together and you don't even bat an eye about it."

Harry: "There is a reason for that."

Ethan: "No there isn't, I try to hold you and you stay completely still, as if you are just letting me do it out of obligation, I want to pull you closer and you just fall into it like it's easy for you. You aren't into guys and I get it everytime I want to hold your hand, everytime I want to just talk to you. It's like it's all fake, every fucking second of it and I can't handle that. I'm not like that. I can't be some stoic person who can go about life not showing any emotion. I've loved you for so long, dreamed for so long about what it would be like to hold you properly, to be with you and not have to ask for permission but I still feel like I need to ask, I still feel like I need to ask if you want to talk or even to see you. I feel like I'm not actually dating anyone and you said. That me being in my last relationships where it was one sided wasn't a real relationship. This is a one sided relationship, you say it's two sided but it's not, it never will be. You buy things because you want to and don't want me to spend money on you. That's not a relationship Harry that's a fucking gold digger, a sugar daddy, not a boyfriend. It's not even one of those because even in that sense it's still willing on both sides. I've seen you act more affectionately to fucking Josh and Vik than I have felt in the time we have been together. It's not real Harry, it never will be real and I'm so, fucking scared because I hate myself, I hate myself for everything I do. That I can't be the person you want, that I can't show you how much I care and want to be with you. But most of all I hate myself because I'm so depressed and angry and upset every fucking day because I have so many thoughts running through my head, and none of them are good. And the worst part is that I'm so fucking in love with you, that I cant let go. That I don't want to let go because I know as soon as I do. I don't know if I could live with myself after that. So please, for fuck sake go inside, and just leave me alone for a little bit please."

The tears falling from my eyes, the emotion running through me, I hated myself, this is wrong, so fucking wrong but I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this. This isn't living. I've loved him so much, any other relationship just felt immoral and wrong, even if I tried to force it. It just didn't feel right. I hated myself more than anything on this planet. And it killed me. It killed me and I didn't want to do it anymore. After so long, so fucking long. Being jealous of every fucking bitch that wanted to use him. Seeing him fall for some stupid cunt and watching that light fade from his eyes everytime they took him for granted. And then it was my turn, and this time. It was my light that went out. It was me falling for the stupid asshole that didn't want me. That couldn't want me. And now I'm fucking stuck here. So hopelessly in love with a man I can never have, no matter what he says, no matter what he did. He's not mine, he's never going to be mine, in fact I'm pretty sure no one would want me if I can't even make this work. It's one sided and you are fighting a losing battle on your own. You are pathetic Ethan. You make me sick and I'm your fucking subconscious. You're a disgusting piece of shit that doesn't deserve to be happy.

Harry: "Ethan I..."

Ethan: "Just leave me alone, for fuck sake at least do something right in this relationship and leave me alone. Go find someone else that makes you happy."

I couldn't even look at him, I couldn't bring myself to look at him and see what he felt. It was probably nothing, like every day I've been in his life, like every time I've tried to help when a girl tears him apart. Or like everything he felt for me. It's just, this is wrong on so many levels and everyone here knows that. I don't want to go anywhere, or do anything. I just want to be alone. Out of spite I bet, through the chokes and sobs, I heard the restaurant door close, I heard it shut me out and I knew I was right. I knew I was out and alone. I knew I wasn't ready for this, and now it's here, I just, I don't want to be here anymore. So I started walking, I walked for so long I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket, I walked down alleyways, I walked along a lake, I walked along the streets. But after a few minutes of my phone constantly buzzing, I pulled it out, turned it off, and tossed it into the water beside me. I threw it in and watched through the clear water and let it sink to the depths below, I wonder how deep this lake is? I wonder if it could hide me from my troubles. I took a step towards the water and noticed a bank had built, it was like walking down cold stairs. But I kept going, I kept walking and I felt the cold rise, seeping through my pants until it hit my shirt, my shirt now clinging to my body the further I walked until I was up to my neck, I couldn't feel the bottom anymore so I started swimming, I swam for a few seconds until I was in the middle of the lake, I looked around but no one was here. Good, I can do this peacefully and in the same way I lived. Alone. I let myself fall, the water rising quickly over my face until I kept falling. I had been holding my breath as I opened my eyes and watched the moon refraction along the waters surface, I kept going until I hit the ground below, dust from the sand rising up from impact. I looked up one last time at the moon on the surface, hoping it would help me as I closed my eyes... And took a breath.