Being FtM Transgender

Depression and Loneliness Part 1

Being lonely is commonly a part of depression, which I suffer from. I'm sure a lot of you people out there are feeling the same way. So, to bring awareness to more people, and also prove that whoever suffers from depression is not alone, I shall share what it's like for me personally.

To start off, I want to show you what it's like, with a video. That shows a little bit of how I feel.

Imagine being happy, and then all of a sudden feeling sad without anything happening to cause the sadness. Imagine being around people you trust and care about, whether they're friends, family, or a significant other. Now, imagine feeling like they all hate you. Imagine feeling like you don't belong, like you don't fit in.

This is only the beginning.

Now comes ignoring the feelings that you have. The thoughts of people hating you. Brushing it off as you being dumb.

Next comes the feeling getting stronger. So much so, that you have to get away from the people you believe hate you now. You begin to avoid those people, slowly. You decline to spend time with them, to talk to them, to touch them. You slowly continue isolating yourself to the point where you only leave your room to use the toilet or get food.

Now, imagine putting yourself down with harsh words. You're an idiot. Nobody likes you. You're a freak. You should just die. Nobody would miss you. Everyone would be happy if you just died. Die.

Imagine those thoughts becoming more frequent. First they start when you wake up, when you eat, when you work, when you try to sleep, all day, every day. Just imagine that.

Imagine not being able to sleep, because of the thoughts you're having. Imagine only getting less than seven hours of sleep a week. Imagine having horrible nightmares where you're paralyzed and feel an evil presence coming for you. Imagine not being able to scream for help. Imagine not being able to wake up from that, to snap out of it.

Imagine feeling tired, no matter how much sleep you get.

Just think about how that would feel. How irritable you would be. How sad you would be because you're body is off balance constantly. Imagine overeating, or not eating at all when you feel so sad.

Imagine lashing out at your family for the smallest things, and feeling so guilty that you just end up putting yourself down even more.

Imagine getting so angry that you break things.

Imagine being so sad that you resort to self harm. That you tell yourself that you deserve to be in pain. That you're worthless. That nobody loves you. That you should just end your life.

Imagine actually following through with that thought, and ending up in the hospital because of it.

Imagine having to switch from medication to medication, and not having them help properly, or having one cause you to begin planning your death.

Imagine being in the hospital repeatedly throughout one year. Or being inpatient for a month.

Imagine being threatened that if you get hospitalized again, you could be sent away for months.

Just imagine. All of it.

Imagine being with tons of people and feeling like you're all alone.

Imagine not having any friends in school.

Imagine not trusting your family, not talking to them, not expressing your feelings to them.

Or imaging expressing your feelings and being insulted by the people who you used to trust. Imagine being verbally attacked by your family. Being laughed at. Being called a freak, a bitch, someone that just wants attention, not struggling with anything bit just being a pain in the butt, being told that you're a horrible person and a terrible child.

Imagine that. Imagine how you would feel.

Imagine feeling like you're ugly on the inside and out. Feeling like, no one understands you. Hating yourself. Feeling like the only way to hate yourself a little less is to have someone to tell you that you're not alone and that they love you. That you're beautiful inside and out.

But wait... Imagine not believing when someone tells you that.

Imagine not having that at all in the first place.

And this is only the begin