5. "I am fucking dead, Harry."

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A/N: Double update, woohoo, I am just in a really good mood and I love your responses to the story so here is it. This chapter contains some language so be careful. Oh and it made me cry so, haha, hope you enjoy it, ily x

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“ Louis, I did something really bad and I don’t know how to fix it.” I half sobbed, half screamed into the phone upon hearing my step brother’s sleepy voice.

“ What, what’s wrong?” He sounded like he was forcing himself to wake, but I started my ramble all the same.

“ Judith called me drunk and alone so I went to pick her up and she went from crying about her dick of a boyfriend to asking me if I was gay and telling me that it must have been the only reason why we never tried anything-“

“ Woah, woah, woah, slow down, Harry, she asked you if you were gay?” And instead of the serious tone I was hoping for, he fell into a fit of laughter, causing me to roll my eyes in irritation.

“ I knew I shouldn’t have called.” I whispered under my breath, running a hand through my hair.

“ You are really upset, aren’t you?” He asked, no judgment whatsoever in his tone.

“ She tried to kiss me, Louis, and I shut her down. I – God, I was this close to doing it, her lips were inches away, and I had never felt so out of control in my entire life.”

“ You don’t always have to everything under control, you know. Sometimes, you just have to go with your heart and do it, Harry.” I shook my head at his absurd piece of advice. Me? Go with my heart? Non sense.

“ You know I can’t do that, Louis. It just isn’t me. And it’s Judith on the line over here, I can’t simply risk 10 years of friendship for a simple kiss. I can’t lose her. I just can’t.”

“ And what now? Is she not lost yet? Is she still there, Harry?” I knew he was right, because I felt that physical heartache resurfacing, that panic taking over me, because the thought of losing her seemed deathly to me. Terminal.

I could feel her walls standing between us both, with every unanswered phone call, every ignored voicemail, every time I went to her house, and she’d turn off the lights, shutting down the TV, hiding any sign of life in that lonely house of hers. Judith was the only friend I had, beside Louis, and his group of friends whom I liked calling my own, but they probably weren’t. The further we became, the more nights she spent out with her so called boyfriend. And I was scared, mortified even. I was scared because he was an alcoholic, and a drug addict, who cared about no one but himself. I was scared because Judith was pure, even though she would never admit it, she had the kindest of all hearts. A heart that would be so easily broken, which again, scared me because what if I had already broken it? How do you live with the idea of you breaking the one you would die to fix?

“ Heyo, I am probably not available or ignoring you, either ways, say something after the beep and entertain me, alright, go.”

“ It’s me. Again.” I started, feeling the butterflies erupting in my stomach just as the hearing of her joyful voice. The voice that I am sure she hadn’t used in a while now.

“ You can’t run away from me forever, you know. I am all you’ve got, Judith, so you better just give up and answer me. Now would be better than later because I – I’ve missed you. Louis says hi, by the way. He thinks that we’re on talking terms. He doesn’t know how stubborn you are, miss hard headed Judith. Anyways, answer me. Please.” My voice transferred from joking, to warning, eventually to pleading. Yes, I am pathetic, but I just needed her to answer me. I needed us to be okay, because not being able to talk to her at least once an hour is driving me absolutely nuts. I wanted her to call me drunkenly and just laugh at a thought that runs through her head. I wanted her to fall asleep on my shoulder as we watch a cheeky film that I usually resist but secretly love. I wanted her to come to me when her boyfriend stood her up because even though it’s completely sick of me to think that way but it made me feel closer to her, like she could come to me because I was all she had. I wanted to love her from a distance. I wanted to fall for her more and more every day without having the courage to ever say anything.

“ Heyo, I am probably not available or ignoring you, either ways, say something after the beep and entertain me, alright, go.”

“ It’s me. Harry. Your friend of 10 years. The one who never meant to hurt you. The one who’s sorry. The one who you need to forgive sooner or later because you can’t stay mad at him forever. Me. Harry. I –“

I was cut off by the voice I wanted to hear most, yet, never thought could destroy me the way it had.

“ Just stop, Harry. Stop calling, stop coming over. Just stop fucking trying. I get it, you don’t like me. I fucking get it, okay? So what? What do you want from me? What do you expect me to do when the one person who I thought loved me, rejected me and tossed me to the side the way everyone else does? What the fuck am I supposed to do with this- this broken heart you left me with? I am not supposed to cry myself to sleep, Harry. I am not supposed to zoom out. I am supposed to be strong, and happy, and unaffected by life. And you- you were supposed to be different. You were supposed to be there for me. To love me. To accept me. But you- you broke me, Harry. You destroyed whatever I had left in me. So just- please, just go. I don’t want to hear from you again. I don’t want to see you again. I just- I need to forget you ever existed, or else, I’m dead. I am fucking dead, Harry.”

It wasn’t that she was sobbing, or that she could barely get the words out. It wasn’t the sadness, or the bitterness lingering in her tone. It wasn’t even the fact that she kicked me out of her life once and for all, that got to me. It was how her voice was laced with hatred, darkness, and what was worse, brokenness. I broke her. I broke Judith. And now, I lost her, in each and every way a person could be lost.

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