Letters

Letters to Park

Dear Park,

It's time I stop writing you these letters. It's been a hard and long road for me to come this realization, but I finally have. You're gone, Park. And as much as I love to deny it, and I love the idea that you'll walk through the door, laughing and screaming about how funny of a joke this has been, it's not going to happen.

And that's okay. I'd like to think I've made my peace. I've been writing you letter after letter after letter for months now, and all that's done is hold me back. There is a beauty to death, I've come to realize, and that's the fact that we live through this pain of life, and we're rewarded with being set free. You've discovered that beauty, and I haven't yet. One day I'll fly free with you, but as much as I sometimes wish it was, it's not today.

You've been an excuse for me, Park. And I'm done making excuses. It's my own fault for the past three months I haven't looked up and smelt the roses, but instead glared down on the ground you're buried underneath. It's my own fault I haven't realized life continues on even if yours doesn't until now. It's my own fault I stayed so hung up on you.

Even though I have been writing to you for so long, I do understand I have been rather... Bipolar in my letters, if you may. Some days I'm happy, and I'm writing to you in glee, and sometimes I'm at the edge of the cliff, angry and ready to die. So, it's rather hard to understand what's really happened since you've left.

Therefore, I'm going to retell the story. I hope by the end of it, you're happy for me. Because right now, Park, I'm truly happy. It's been so hard and painful without you, and sometimes it took so much for me to want to keep on going. I thought I could never be happy again. But I am, and I hope you feel the same.

I guess we'll start with the day you died. I remember that day perfectly. Believe it or not, it wasn't raining. I guess all the tears we were crying for you made up for the lack of tears falling from the sky. But it was cloudy, and no sun was shining through. Makes sense; back then, I felt you stole any source of happiness and sunshine and took it to the grave with you.

Anyway, it started when you dropped me off at my house so you could go and meet Cory. You had just gotten your full licence, and I still remember how excited you were. You kissed me goodbye, and drove away.

I got the phone call at around seven at night. It was Cory. He was sobbing, Park, and I didn't think Cory even had tears he could cry with. He told me I had to get to the hospital right away. By the time I came, you had already passed.

My mom and I ran into the waiting room, where Christie sprinted to me, attacking me with a hug. She was shaking.

"Christie?" I asked, but she wouldn't get off me.

And when the doctors came out, giving the time of your death to your parents, everything clicked and I collapsed.

As expected, I denied it at first. I had seen you breathing, laughing, smiling, talking- living not even two hours earlier. There's no way, in such a short time, your life could have been taken away. It always seemed that you had such a thorough understanding of life- everything was held tight in your grip, and life tore everything away from you so fast.

Eventually, my mom got me home. I remember initially wanting to run to my room, but the minute we opened the door to the house I just sat on the floor and didn't move.

I was too numb to even cry.

I don't mean to make you feel bad by telling you how badly I mourned for you, though. I want to show you how hard this was for me so you can see how tall of a mountain I fell from and how much strength it took to climb back up. I want you to be proud of how strong I've become and how against all odds, I made it to the last stage of grief. Acceptance.