Restore Me

Self Confessions Chapter 17

Nari's POV

He's doing it again. He's talking and not making sense again. It started a couple of months ago, every once in a while Hanuel would talk out of his head and mumble under his breath about random things. Every time it was always something about how sorry he was and how he never meant to hurt him.

I've asked him time and time again who the hell the him was that he keeps talking about but he only shakes his head and goes back to mumbling. I've heard Taehyung's name get called sometimes, but I always ignore it. I always take it as Hanuel missing Taehyung since they were so close when Taehyung was a child and he lived with us. I miss Taehyung so much.

While I was married to his father I met Hanuel and I fell in love all over again. Hanuel treated me with attention and nice gifts. He made me feel loved again. While married to Taehyung's father I felt lonely and caged up. Married to Hanuel I've done things that I never in my life thought I'd do. I've been to America, Germany, and France, but I do miss my old life sometimes. I miss the way Taehyung would come into my room during storms and just crawl under the covers, shaking slightly.

I miss the way his father always knew what was wrong with me even though I tried my best to hide it. I miss the soft butterfly kisses his father would place on my neck after we've fought and just hold me. I miss it all sometimes, but I know that there's no going back now. I have Hanuel and even if I'm not happy I owe Hanuel a lot for all he's done for me.

Sometimes I feel horrible, like I'm guilty of something, but I've never been able to figure out what. I've had some nights where I couldn't sleep and I just didn't know what to do with myself. I've had days where I couldn't eat because my stomach would be in knots and ache. My hair has started to gray prematurely and I haven't had a clue as to why. It started after Taehyung told me some crazy story about Hanuel touching on him inappropriately.

It's been a bit of a fuzzy standpoint for me. On one hand I know he's never lied to me before but on the other hand I feel as though he just wants attention. Hanuel and he were close, closer than Taehyung and I ever were, and I know that Hanuel loved him a lot so I doubt that he would do something as disturbing as touching on an 8 year old.

Taehyung and I fell off somewhere down the road and we were never able to get back on. I want to know how my son is and I want him to know that I never stopped caring about him, even after I gave him back to his father because I couldn't care for him. I lied to him though, I told him that we couldn't take care of him, but that wasn't the truth. The truth was that I was selfish and I wanted Hanuel to myself. I saw how much time Hanuel was spending with Taehyung and I got jealous and insecure because I thought Hanuel would lose interest in me.

Taehyung's father didn't fall out of love with me, but he did start working more and more often, almost to the point to where I never saw him. I'm not going to lie, I like attention. I didn't like to be lonely, I didn't even like for there to be an opportunity for me to feel lonely. I love Taehyung, I really do, but the fear of being alone and lonely outweighed my love for him and as bad as that might seem that was the truth. That was my confession, my self confession and no one would know about it but me.

Another one. I hope you enjoyed this chapter because I enjoyed writing it. It's a bit of a shorter chapter, but I will try to update again today so look forward to it. This story might be longer that Understand Me, but I'm hoping and I will try to make sure that doesn't happen. I love you all. PEACE!!!