When?

13. "It was I."

A/N: This is to warn you that this chapter will contain language, so be careful. Oh and please comment and let me know what you thought and whether you liked it or not and what you want to happen :) ily x

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Harry

I sat on my bed, wearing my glasses, my book in hand, as my music played in the background, helping me concentrate. I had been reading the same line for what felt like hours now.

“And when her lips met mine, I knew that I could live to be a hundred and visit every country in the world, but nothing would ever compare to that single moment when I first kissed the girl of my dreams and knew that my love would last forever.”

I wondered if I’d ever feel that way. I wondered if I had the right to at least fantasize about her lips brushing against mine, after I had broken her heart. She had great, great lips. She would be a brilliant kisser. She’d make me feel it all in that endless second. That ache would subside, that hole would shrink, and that numbness would fade away because she would revive me. She would bring me back to life.

But what would I grant her?

What could I possibly have to offer?

 I couldn’t be this selfish. I couldn’t use her like that, no matter how much I thought I needed it, thought I had the right to, even.

The door opened, revealing a distressed Louis, who threw himself onto the bed, without speaking a single word. I took the time to evaluate his state of mind, his arms were crossed, covering his eyes, his chest was heaving with fastened breaths, his legs were shaking in nervousness, but none of that gave him up as much as his choked sobs, and his occasional sniffles. Louis; the one who always found the laughter in every situation, the one whose smile brightened our lives, the one who no matter what was going on with his life, humor had always been his way out. That Louis, was losing the fight against his sobs. I didn’t know how to act, when the one person on whose strength I could always count, was falling apart.

“ Louis,” The name escaped my lips as a desperate cry for help. I needed him to help me, help him.

“ I hate this. I fucking hate this.” I thought he said, as I slightly shifted towards him, laying my book down.

“ Hate what? What happened?”

“ This was- Jesus, I felt like falling apart right then and there, Harry.” He removed a single arm to make his words more audible, as his sobs grew more intense, from remembrance I assumed.

“ Go on.” I urged.

“ She was wrecked, man. Absolutely destructed. This isn’t Judith. This is worse than we thought. She isn’t herself, she isn’t anywhere near the Judith we knew. She- she had completely surrendered, Harry. She gave up. There was no fire in her eyes, no life in her voice, she was a fucking walking dead. I just- I was so fucking helpless. I listened to her pour her heart out for me and I had nothing to say nor do. I wanted to tell her that everything would be okay but I didn’t fucking know that. For the first time ever, I wasn’t certain that things would eventually get better. Do you- do you have any idea how it feels for the one belief you ever lived by to be ripped away from you? One fucking look in her eyes, and I felt like collapsing, giving in myself. I had never felt so weak before, man, so powerless. She went on and on about drugs and how it felt like it was the only way out and I wanted to tell her that it was never the answer and that she’d be killing herself, but Harry, how can you kill someone who’s already dead?”

I didn’t know when, but I had drowned into my own fantasy world, in which Judith would be bearing her soul to me, and I’d be able to fix her. I wouldn’t be helpless. I wouldn’t be weak. I wouldn’t be forced to leave her life. I wouldn’t lose her. In my fantasy world, things would get better for Judith. She’d be happy, and alive, and I would feel like nothing could ever go wrong. But this was my fantasy world. In real life, Judith was destroyed. In real life, I destroyed Judith.

“ I did this to her.” These words weren’t supposed to be heard, by anyone but the Gods above; the Gods that had created me to overthink every step, to never follow my heart, to lock myself up in my own shell. The Gods who now, made me do something as criminal as ruining the one person I had ever cared about. Louis shook his head, lifting himself up to wipe his tears away.

“ You were both deceived to think that you were fixed when you were together, but now, now even the illusion is gone and reality had its toll on you.” With that, my paralyzed figure was engulfed into Louis’ trembling arms, as he continued to fall apart, while I, I remained silent, numbed by the anger roaring to the one who caused me to be the way I was, who put me into Judith’s life, and put her into mine, only to tear up both apart.

“I've been burdened by questions I've asked myself a thousand times since the last time we were together.

Why did I do it? And would I do it again?

It was I, you see, who ended it.”

It was I. It was my fault.