Positive?!

[68]

Mark:

I was staring at the ceiling while I was laying on my bed. It was deep in the night but unluckily I wasn't able to fall asleep. So many questions ran through my head and I didn't know what to do.

It had all started this afternoon when Jackson had come home from his training. He had been so extremely happy but who could know that his news had the potential to change everything.

He had gotten an invitation to a special swim program with one of the best university teams in the country. It would be during the summer holidays and he would be there for six weeks.

That wasn't the problem. I was actually happy that he had such a big chance. It was his dream. But if he liked it there and wanted to go to this university he would definitely have to move there.

The university was nearly at the other end of the country and if he moved there, he wouldn't be able to take care of our child. Of course, he could visit us when he had holidays but it wasn't the same.

And moving with him wasn't a possibility for me. I wanted to stay here with my family and all of my friends. They were everything for me and I couldn't imagine to see them only a few times a year.

I had already chosen a university which was only 30 minutes away from my parents' house so I could be home as early as possible.

It was complicated. But not only for me. Jackson had even more problems. He had to choose between his child and his biggest dream. I felt so sorry that he had to make this decision because of me.

I was so egoistic and decided that I wouldn't move with him because I wanted to be with my family. I had to think of my little girl and what she needed and not what I wanted. And she needed Jackson.

He was her father and he also wanted to be there for her. If he moved, he wouldn't be able to unless I wouldn't go with him which was the smartest thing because my baby had her father and he could live his dream.

I didn't want anyone to give something up because of me. My baby needed her dad and Jackson wanted to work on his dream. I only wanted to stay with my family and that was not as important as a father or a dream.

I knew that Jackson even thought about giving up on his dream to stay here for his child but I wouldn't be able to let him do this. I couldn't forgive myself if he gave up his dream because of my egoism.

I quietly got up from my bed and left the room. It was completely silent in the house because Jackson and his parents were sleeping. But normal people usually slept at half past three in the night.

I walked downstairs to get myself something to drink in the kitchen. When I had lived at my own house my mother had always made me a glass of warm milk when I couldn't sleep.

I really missed my mom in such situations. I even missed my dad at the moment. They had always been there whenever I felt bad or needed them. And I had done everything to make them proud.

And maybe they would even be proud of my baby someday and that I had made my the decision to have this child and raise her properly. I knew it wasn't easy for them but I would give them time.

I entered the kitchen and prepared my milk. Hopefully no one else would wake up because I didn't want to tell anyone here about my thoughts. Jackson would only feel guilty and his parents probably wouldn't understand me.

I really wished for a good advice now but it was the best to make this decision alone. I was having Jackson's child and I had to take responsibility for her and the decision if she would grow up with or without him.

I took the glass of milk and walked back into my bedroom. It was late and I really hoped that I would get tired soon because I had to go to school in some hours and I didn't want to fall asleep in class.

I quietly closed the door and sat down on my bed. My phone was laying on my nightstand and I kinda thought about calling Jinyoung. I didn't want to disturb him but I also felt like talking to someone.

We had already talked some hours ago when I had told him about him about Jackson's big chance. I even expected him to know that I wouldn't be able to sleep and that I would call him during the night.

I grabbed my phone and called my best friend who already picked up after some seconds. "Hey Markie. Still thinking?" He asked me and sounded a bit tired. I felt a bit sorry for waking him up.

"Yeah. It's not like I have to decide it tomorrow but if I wanted to move with him, I would have to look for a university there and not here. And if I stayed, he would feel bad if he left. It's such a mess." I told the younger male.

"I know. But he has to make his decisions and you have to make yours. I know you want the best for your baby but the best for her is being loved. You can't always give up on your own wishes and dreams just to make others happy."

I nodded softly although he wasn't able to see me. He was right. I should also think of myself but I always felt so egoistic when I did something what was better for me than for others. That was just who I was.

I loved it when the people around me were happy and when something that I had decided was a part of the reason. And so I also felt bad when people were unhappy because of my decision.

"I know. Thank you." I mumbled softly. I heard a small yawn. "Anytime. And now go to bed. You're always so grumpy when you don't sleep enough. Good night Markie." Jinyoung said with a small chuckle.

"Good night Jinyoungie." I answered and ended the call. The phone got placed on the nightstand again and drank my milk before I laid down on my mattress and buried my face in my pillow.

My eyelids slowly got heavy and I was happy when I finally felt the tiredness overcoming me. I definitely needed to sleep for some hours because I knew how bad my mood was when I didn't sleep.

I yawned and hugged my pillow tightly. My body relaxed and I felt tired but my mind was still wide awake and thought of Jackson and Jinyoung's words. What should I do now?

Actually it was just a small decision but it could change so much. Now I had to choose if I wanted to let Jackson give up on his dream or let my baby grow up without him or leave my friends and family to do the best for both of them.

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Thank you for reading ♡