Translation of Love

40

Medicine

I've woken up but my eyelids still lay heavy over my eyes. I can feel that my body is on a mattress of some sort, but I can't remember ever going to sleep.

Wasn't I going to Taeyoung's parent's house? Why can't I remember going to sleep?

"You should have told me."

The words are softly spoken, as if trying not to wake me up. I recognize the soft, feminine voice.

"I know, I forgot. It slipped my mind."

Taeyoung. His deep whisper almost causes me to open my eyes, but I decide to wait instead—to eavesdrop. Maybe I'll find out what happened.

I hear the woman sigh slowly. "I feel terrible."

"Don't. I didn't think she would just, faint, like that."

I fainted?

"Is she healthy? Is she eating well and getting a lot of iron? Maybe her iron levels are low. Do you know if she's gotten her period regularly?"

Taeyoung is about to speak when she cuts him off abruptly. Her whisper turns into normal speech.

"You two have been safe haven't you?"

Taeyoung shushes her. "Of course we have. I'm not stupid 엄마 [mom]," he hisses at her.

"Just making sure. It isn't normal for someone to faint like that if they aren't sick." There's a pause. "Unless she's really hurting over it." She sounds as if she's thinking aloud to herself now.

"What do you mean?"

"Has she talked about her mom with you?"

"Yeah."

"A lot? And when was the last time?"

There's a halt in their spoken words. I begin to grow uneasy and itch to move. I clench my hands together stealthily as they begin to grow very cold.

"I guess not that often. The last time was over a month ago. Now that I think of it, she hasn't brought up her mom at all in a very long time."

His mother sighs again. "I think her subconscious is trying to protect her. She's repressing the emotions. Eventually, they can build up and cause a lot of turmoil. Has she been anxious around you?"

"Not really." He trails off.

"Hm... maybe it's me. Maybe it's seeing me, your mother, that's bringing this anxiety to the surface."

"I know you went to school for this stuff mom, but can you not analyze her like this?" Taeyoung sounds a bit annoyed now. I almost forgot his mother went to school for Psychology.

"Just," she pauses, "watch over her, okay? I was already starting to like her a lot."

"I like her a lot too." I can almost hear the smile form on his lips. The coldness in my hands starts to subside, and fluttering warmth caresses my body. I want to see him. I want to hold him.

I wait a bit longer before making my consciousness known. When I do my eyes are met with Taeyoung sitting in a chair beside me and his mom sitting on the floor reading a book. This must be his room. The walls are covered in posters of bands and musicians. His school desk is clean, but an immense amount of books line up against the wall. There's also a guitar in the corner and family photos here and there.

"Sohee." Taeyoung notices me first.

I smile groggily at him and stretch out my limbs. My body feels heavy as lead still.

"Oh! You're awake, thank goodness." His mother immediately stands up to come to my side.

"How long has it been?" I ask.

"About an hour," Taeyoung says. His hand moves to hold onto mine.

"I'm so sorry. I ruined dinner," I frown. How humiliating to cause such a scene on Christmas day.

"Don't worry about it sweetie, you didn't ruin anything. How are you feeling?" His mother asks.

I don't even need to think before the words leave my mouth.

"Better. Truthfully, I've been feeling quite weak lately. I don't think I'm getting enough iron. I'm anemic actually."

While it is true that I was anemic, once, I am no longer. I wasn't feeling weak at all lately. His mom watches me carefully and I begin to grow nervous under her gaze.

"Sohee, why didn't you tell me?" Taeyoung asks me.

"I didn't think it was a big deal. It happens a lot." I smile it off.

His mother's gaze changes from analytic to neutral. A smile returns on her face. I think she saw right through my lie. Taeyoung definitely believes me though.

"I'll go make you some ginger tea. You two can come down when you're ready."

And then she leaves. I can't help but watch after her. I begin to grow nervous.

She knows.

"Don't ever do that again."

Taeyoung's words bring my attention back to him.

"You scared me."

The sadness in his eyes makes me yearn to hold him. I move my body over on the bed until I'm next to the wall. I pat the space beside me. This bed is much smaller than the one in Seoul, but we make it work. He crawls on and faces me. I bring myself closer to him, not wanting to see him but just wanting to be held. I nuzzle my face into his chest and he wraps his long arms around me. His head comes to lean against the top of mine.

"I love you Sohee," he says aloud.

"I love you too," I respond almost automatically, like a recording being played at will.

His hand runs through my hair as he sighs against me. I curl onto him even more, relishing in the feeling of him.

This feeling right here, this is what I wish I could always feel. The strength of his body around mine makes me feel so at ease, so protected from anything that could hurt me, even myself. His scent calms my nerves. His hands make me feel held together, like I'm whole again and not shattering into pieces. I wish I could take this as medicine, a small coloured capsule that I can have when I start to feel lost. When I start to lose my smile. When I start to lose myself. But instead, I'll have to cherish these moments and take advantage of them.

Maybe it is selfish to ask someone to keep you together when you should do that yourself.

But I have stopped caring.

. . .

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Love,

Sooaura