The Adventures of a Pumpkin and a Running Back Boy

Lexi, the New Mother

Lexi, the New Mother

When I woke up, Blake wasn’t in bed with me and Jay wasn’t in his crib anymore. For half a second I panicked but then my brain started to work properly and I knew he must be taking care of Jayden. I didn’t know why but ever since giving birth to our little boy I had been freaking out more than normal when I didn’t see Blake beside me. It might have had something to do with the fact that I kind of needed my man a lot lately.

I was a mess. I wasn’t even going to start pretending like I wasn’t. Daph was pretty much ready to run a marathon and bang Josh in the hospital bathroom after giving birth to Cole, but I couldn’t seem to just get out of bed and it had been three months.

I knew I had complications and I knew I was still recuperating and I knew it was always harder when it was your first child but I felt like such a shitty mother, which just made the matter worse.  

It had been hard on me, really hard. And if Blake could hear this he’d make a naughty joke, and I probably wouldn’t even slap him for it—that was how exhausted I was. I didn’t think I’d even have it in me to roll my eyes.

I let my head fall back on my pillow and closed my eyes, trying to fall asleep again.

It wasn’t working though. I grabbed Blake’s pillow and smelled it, holding on to it tightly, but my brain wasn’t fooled—it might smell like Blake but it was definitely not Blake.

Sleeping was suddenly out of the question. I needed to go check on my Tiny-Jay. He probably needed to eat. And that baby was exactly like his father and barely ever slept. It worried me. Everything worried me.  

I grabbed my robe from the chair a little beside our bed and dragged my feet out of the room. When I walked into the living room, Johannes Brahms’ Lullaby was softly playing. I smiled at that.

Blake was sitting on the couch, Jay in one hand, a book in the other.

“What are you two boys doing?” I asked, wrapping my arms around myself.

Blake turned his head, looking at me. “Oh, sorry, did the music wake you?”

I shook my head and headed for the couch. “No, the cold empty bed did.”

“Sorry,” he smiled faintly. “I just had an idea for a painting suddenly, so when I went to scribbled it down, I saw Jay staring at me, and figured, if he wasn’t going to sleep, we might has well keep on working on his personal culture.”

When I was pregnant with Jayden, Blake would spend entire evenings reading to my belly. Like literally. He wasn’t even looking at me, he had his face right up my stomach and he just kept on ignoring my complaints. It was a long nine months. “You two together. You’re going to make an exact replica of yourself, you know?”

“I’d like to think he’ll have some of his mother’s desirable attributes too,” Blake said, chuckling and handed me Jayden. The second Jay was in my arms he grabbed onto my hair. His blue eyes stared at me, some kind of expression close to a smile filling up his chubby features. I wanted to cut my hair because of that whole pulling it thing, but Blake was a hundred percent against it.

I softly pulled the hair out of Jay’s tiny hand and put my index finger in between his grasp instead. “Which are?”

“Her unwavering love for the people she cares about, her strength, her ability to comfort people, her skills at having people open their hearts to her for no particular reason… I hope he’ll love me as much as you love me.”

I had no control over it—tears filled up my eyes and a few escaped them. He had so much faith in me, and I had so little.

Only looking at Jay, I whispered “I’m scared Blake. I’m scared that I won’t be a good enough mother for our kid.”

Blake responses was automatic, “Hey, Pumpkin…” he said comfortingly and pulled me—and Jay—into his arms. “Lexi,” he touched my chin softly, making me look in his eyes. “I know it’s no use to tell you to stop feeling someway, you experienced that first hand with me, but I can tell you that you’re worrying for nothing. You’ll be a great mother. You’ve had a lot of practice with me already.”

I chuckled a little at that.

“What if I’m not though? I mean, you’re biased because you love me so much, because I could be a totally shitty mom,” I told him, while looking at our son.

“You could, but you won’t.”

I looked up at him. “How do you know?”

Blake smiled down at the both of us. “Because taking care of people is one of the things you do best.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“Don’t you know this by now? I’m always right.”

I laughed and rested my head on Blake’s shoulder while Jay started pulling on my hair again.

“So, what were you guys reading?” I asked, closing my eyes.

“Le Petit Prince.”

I nodded softly. “Good choice.”

Blake kissed Jay’s head and then mine. “I know.”

“Go on now, keep reading.” I settled myself more comfortably in his arms, holding Tiny-Jay in mine.

Blake chuckled and then raised the book to his eyes and kept on reading. “Tu n’es encore pour moi qu’un petit garçon tout semblable à cent mille petits garcons. Et je n’ai pas besoin de toi. Et tu n’as pas besoin de moi non plus. Je ne suis pour toi qu’un renard semblable à cent mille renards. Mais, si tu m’apprivoises, nous aurons besoin l’un de l’autre. Tu seras pour moi unique au monde. Je serai pour toi unique au monde…”