Finding Sam (Featured)

Chapter 26 - New Beginnings

David didn't give me any problems when I showed up at Lorena's house on Sunday afternoon with Erik. I had wanted him to drop me off at the house at first, but with an infant car seat already installed in his Land Rover for Bella, Erik saw no point in dropping me off first if Lorena's house was on the way home, especially since he said I'd be late if I did have to go back home first. We'd gotten stuck in the southbound traffic coming home, which had left me jittery throughout the last hour.

The moment I carried a crying Michael out of Lorena's house, I knew he was sick. He had a runny nose and a fever, and his diaper was soiled. Even though I begged him to leave, Erik stayed with me for a few hours that night to help me with Michael. It was during those small snatches of time, when I'd watch Erik take care of Michael, that I got to see him switch to Doctor mode when faced with a sick child.

The next day, Erik had roses delivered to my house along with a stuffed pillow shaped like a train for Michael. On Tuesday, Olivia dropped off a pot of pasta e fagioli, an Italian soup dish with cannelini beans and elbow macaroni that Zia Francesca made.

It was nice to have that feeling of having a real family around me, something I hadn't experienced since Rosie died. It also made me think of my mother during her lucid moments, when she wasn't too high on heroin, or to edgy because she needed it. She was actually a nice person when she was sober. Still, my memories of my mother were sparse, and best left in the past. Instead, I chose to focus only on the present and the future that seemed more promising now that I had started painting again. I also couldn't deny how Erik's presence in my life made it all possible. It gave me a sense of peace I'd never felt before.

Maybe it was the walk along the labyrinth that did it, my sense of calm growing with each step I took towards the center of the heart where Erik waited for me so we could exit it together. Or maybe it was lunch with Helen and Craig and learning about how Erik and Josh were as children, how along with Olivia, they all bonded over Legos, scooters and even Barbies, when it was Olivia's turn to have her choice of toys they all could play with.

Whatever it was, it gave me front row seats to the possibility of having the family that I had always longed to have - like a cut-out of the perfect family from the 50's, with everyone grinning from ear to ear, and when life seemed so perfect. It was the life I hoped to provide Michael with, something so different from the only one I had known.

For the next four weeks, Erik and I settled into a schedule that, at times frightened me at how easily we both adapted to it. I never really knew how to incorporate another man into my life with Michael, but Erik made it easy. He wanted to be part of our lives, whether it was playing mini-golf with us on Tuesday afternoons, or riding the kiddie rides at Disneyland on Wednesday mornings when the lines weren't too long. Sometimes it was good enough to just stay at home, making mac and cheese together and then watching a movie on the couch, usually something that Michael wanted to watch, whether it was some movie about a missing fish, or cars come to life, till Michael fell asleep, and then we'd have the rest of the evening to ourselves.

It was nothing like being at his house by the beach, but Erik didn't seem to mind being at my small house. He knew how important it was for me to keep Michael's routines as close to the way they used to be, which happened to include visits to his house to see Olivia and Bella where all of us, including Bella's aunts and uncles, had picnics on the sand.

Even David kept his distance, hardly exchanging a word with me whenever I stopped by to drop off or pick up Michael. Maybe it was because Erik was usually with me, but whatever it was, it helped me realize that I needed to work on my automatic, and rash, reactions to David's actions, to not fall into the usual song-and-dance routine we always performed - the abuser and his victim.