peaky blinders imagines + smut.

john shelby: married man.

MARRIED MAN.

It was never your intention to fall in love with John, you had initially only wanted to be friends. There was something about him that interested you and you often found yourself running into the arms of the Shelby whenever you needed an escape. He accepted of course, he was open and honest with his feelings when he was around you but when he was at home, with his wife and kids, things changed, and he found himself becoming a different person. He was appreciative for the family that he had, and John loved his kids with every bit of his body but the relationship between him and his wife was imaginary.

You had nothing to lose by getting into a sordid love affair with the Shelby - no husband, no kids and no family. No part of you felt blame or remorse, this is what you both wanted, and the relationship had started before John had wedded Esme. Having worked for the Shelby's for a few months before the relationship started, you found yourself becoming fascinated by John and his cheeky lad-like performance and the relationship soon bloomed, although no labels were put on the relationship. So, when he came home one day with a new spouse, completely out of the blue, you told yourself that nothing would happen between you and John again. A few weeks later, you ended up in his bed as Esme went shopping with Polly.

There were times when you wished that things could have been different, but you still savoured in the intimate times spent together with his arm wrapped around your waist as you laid in bed until the morning, but the morning sunrise only meant that you had go back to the real world. John would get dressed into his clothes while you would remain in your bed, the thin-sheet barely covering your naked form and you would grin as John fought the urge to get back into the bed. He always hated leaving in the early hours of the morning, it made it feel like a sleazy, one-night stand, but he had a job to do, a family to see and things to work out. You could see the saddened look on his face as he gave you one last kiss before leaving to return to place he loathed being.

John knew it was wrong and he hated sneaking around behind Esme's back, but the addiction had got too strong and whenever he found himself trying to stay away from you, he physically couldn't. The affair wasn't just sex either, he found himself being able to go over to yours whenever he needed to rant, and rave and you would listen, with genuine inquisitiveness with the need to help. If he had gotten too drunk at The Garrison, Arthur, who was aware of the secret relationship, would bring him over to your house instead of his own because he knew that John would only get a bollocking off Esme for drinking too much. The two of you were basically in a relationship but the ring on his finger got in the way and you had to be nothing more than second best.

"Are you alright, love?" John asked, rolling over so he was laid on his back. Two years into the affair, he knew when something was wrong. You turned to look at him and bowed your head, not wanting him to know about your doubts and predicaments. You had planned to end it with John for a few months and whenever you built up the courage, he would jump right in and whisk you off your feet, claiming how much he worshipped you. In that moment, you would put off ending it, too invested in what you had with John. "Tell me the truth."

"I'm just thinking about what we could have been if you weren't forced into the marriage with Esme," you answered honestly. John leaned up on his elbow, his head resting in his hand as he looked at you with wretchedness. "We might have been husband and wife with children and a nice house."

John moved a piece of hair away from your forehead before leaning down to gently kiss the skin. "You definitely would have been my wife, there's no denying that one." His words broke your heart, the pain only mounting as he continued to talk about the house he would have brought and the weekends away. It was simple things like cooking dinner for John when he returned home from work or going grocery shopping together that truly ripped at your insides.

"Can you not just leave her, John?" you asked, already knowing what the answer would be. You inquired, sometimes pleaded, almost every time that the two of you met up and the answer was always a no.

"I would if I could, but I can't back out of it, it would only put everybody in danger. The Lee's are dangerous and the only thing - "

"Keeping things safe is mine and Esme's marriage," you finished, your voice full of mockery. John groaned and sat up, not wanting to get involved in the same quarrel that had been happening every time he came over. "Want to know something? Maybe we should just end this, it's not doing us any good."

John's attitude changed, his body hardening at your words. He knew that you were right and the best thing to do would be to end the affair, but he couldn't, even if he tried. The pain and guilt were awful, but he didn't care because he needed your more than anything. "I can't stop this."

"We have to try," you said, your voice wobbly. "Like you said, you and Esme need to be together, so everyone can remain safe and I cannot be held accountable when things go wrong and the Lee's come after you all. I want us to be together John, more than I have ever wanted anything but I suppose your right, we can't be together. It's nice to sit here and daydream about all the things that could have been but it's going to bring us both nothing but pain. We have to think of your kids as well and how it would rip them apart if they lost another mum."

"I can't - "

"You can," you interrupted as you stood up, swiftly gathering your garments from the wooden floor.

"No, I really can't. I don't want to be without you."

"We can still be friends."

"I don't want to be friends," he shouted. "I want to fucking marry you. I wish I had married you and then we wouldn't have been in this shitty situation. I'll talk to Tommy, try and sort something out but please, I can't have you leave me."

"No, you won't talk to Tommy. You'll go home and forget about this, the last two years and everything else. Go and be a husband and a father and love Esme the way that I love you."

"Look - "

"No," you interrupted, once again. "I've spent two years of my life chasing after you, falling at your feet whenever you want me, and I can't do it anymore. Only minutes ago, you were saying that we couldn't be together."

"Yeah, but then you decided that you wanted to end this, and I don't want that. I'd rather ruin my relationship and risk an all-out war if it meant that I could be with you," he admitted. His voice had altered from shouting to being soft, finally understanding that he was about to lose the woman that he loved. At that moment, John would have done anything to have gone back to the day he married Esme and would have stopped the wedding ceremony while he had the chance. "Just think about things at least."

"I have been thinking about things for the last two years and this is for the best." You leaned down once you had finished tying your shoes and gave John one last kiss, taking in every inch of him as you knew there would be no more. When you started to lean away, John pressed his hand into the back of your hair and brought you back in for a deeper, more passionate kiss before pulling away after a few moments. You could see the heartbreak in his eyes and every part of your body wanted to get back into bed with him and continue the affair, but you knew that this was the right thing to do and with a heavy heart, you lifted yourself up from the bed sheets and walked over to the bedroom door. "You can let yourself out. I'll see you at work."