The Usual... A Max Schneider Fan Fiction

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Desperate

*Another Trigger Warning. Tread Lightly, Loves*

~ These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real... ~

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Desperate

I missed Dad.

I missed Mom.

I missed Max.

There wasn't much to do as I laid there but cry and think about everyone. I wanted someone to hold me and let me cry, I wanted to let Max do what he'd been trying to let me do for weeks. I wanted to let go. But I wouldn't, couldn't do it for Lucas or Sophie, and Max and I hadn't even spoken, so I didn't know when he was even coming back, if at all...

How long had it been?

Eight, right? Eight days? I didn't know anymore. Everything all blurred and fuzzed together and I no longer could tell when was night and when was day. I slept and when I didn't sleep I stared at the wall or ceiling, always feeling the bottles of Tylenol I'd moved into my pillow case.

I felt alone. That was the most looming feeling to me. I was weak and tired and alone, and it hurt beyond anything I'd ever known... I was worried at this point I was far too gone to be saved.

My dreams were nightmares now. I was haunted at night by my fears and sorrows and everything was breaking me down... Hell, maybe I didn't even want to be saved.

I was slowly spilling into oblivion and it hurt. I needed something to ground me, keep me here, keep me from leaving. But the only person that could fix me didn't wanna be around me right now, and I couldn't blame him. I wished with all my heart he'd come back though, if nothing else than to just talk to me. At this point a call would even give me some sort of comfort.

What scared me the most was that for the first time since Mom died, I wasn't sure I wanted to live anymore.

* * * * *

"Simmy?"

I didn't look up.

"Symphony?"

I kept my gaze on the floor.

"Symphony Danielle Andrews!"

I cringed, involuntarily, at my whole name, shifting my sitting position. "I'm in the bathroom," I managed. There was a soft knock suddenly, and I sighed.

"You okay?" Lucas asked through the door, tentatively. I glanced down at fifty-four pills, sitting in a little pile in front of me as my mind screamed "NO! I'M NOWHERE NEAR OKAY!"

I bit down the urge to tell him that, setting my hand on my chest, as if to keep myself together. "Yeah," I told him instead. "Just don't feel real great."

He was silent for a moment, before speaking again. "Do you need something?"

I resisted the urge to say 'my boyfriend' and instead sighed. "No," I said. "Thank you."

I watched the pills quietly, cocking my head lightly. "Okay," he said. Before I could stop myself, my mouth formed another small statement.

"I love you, Lucas."

There was a long, stretch of silence, before I sensed his body shift towards the door again. "I love you too, sweetie," he said.

I heard him slowly walk away from the door, making me sigh with relief, tilting my head back against the wall. I wanted peace, more than I'd ever wanted anything in the world.

My phone sat beside me. Every few minutes I'd unlock it, stare at the phone icon for a moment, before shaking my head and locking it again. If I was gonna do this, I had to at least hear Max's voice once more. I just couldn't get up the courage to call him, afraid he'd know something was wrong.