Translation of Love

51

Spring

A few days after my grandfather and I talked, I sit in the same spot by the window with the envelope in my hands. I take a deep breath and slowly tear the envelope with cold fingers. My eyes don't read the words on the paper for a while. Instead, they just take in the penmanship, my mother's handwriting.

Then finally, I read it.

My Summer,

I have sent you to the place I grew scared of once I left it—scared of how much I missed it. I'm so sorry for taking a part of your identity away. I hope you learn more about yourself when you are there and live life in the way I should have. I have saved enough money to pay for your schooling, I'm sorry I kept this a secret. I know you may be wondering why I put you in Business. Please don't feel burdened by my choice, you still have not chosen a major so I merely chose something that I know you will excel in. I know you are still trying to figure things out, so please find something you love to do, something that will make you happy and provide you with enough to support yourself.

I hope you will forgive me. Your mother was a coward and kept so much from you. I know I made you hate your father, but please don't. Your father was the best thing that happened to me. But I grew too selfish, I wanted more than what was possible, and I made things hard for him. I have asked him to watch over you, so please open your heart to him. 

Do not push love away like I did. Do not be selfish like I was. But remember this Summer, while I regret pushing your father away, I am so thankful for each and every day that I got to spend loving you.

Love Mom

My eyes stare at the words, reading the last section over and over again until I can hear my mother's voice read it for me. Some words distort as tears fall onto them, spreading their ink into the constraints of other letters. I can imagine my mother, incredibly weak as she lies in the hospital bed, writing this letter for me. There are breaks in the writing where I can tell she had to stop. The pigment of the pen fades away and then abruptly comes back strong. That's when I realize that she knew she was going to die. She wrote this, planned everything because she had already given up on staying alive. It must have been hard.

Finally, I wipe the tears I didn't notice appear and put the letter down.

I visit my mother's grave right after. A pretty stone stands strongly in the middle of a field of souls, unmoved as the wind howls around it. There is a beautiful tree by her, and it has started to bloom with white blossoms of Spring. I sit in front of her and place the bouquet of flowers clutched in my hands by the stone.

"I wish it didn't take so long for me to read your letter," I solemnly chuckle. "It would have made things a lot clearer, a lot easier for me."

The only response I get is the brush of wind against my face which causes a few white petals from the tree to fall into my lap; and while I know this is just the weather, I can't help but dilusion myself into believing it's her. Even if it isn't, I know she would want me to believe it is.

"I don't even know what to say. So much has happened," my voice trails off as I stare off absentmindedly.

"It was getting scary there. I was missing you so much and I didn't even know it, and it was hurting me. A lot. Dad told me to see you, and I'm glad I listened to him."

"Your letter said not to push love away. I'll do my best to love dad and take back the years apart. But mom, there's someone else—"

I can't help but grow nervous. I didn't often talk to my mom about boys, and when she pried it out of me I would grow hot with embarrassment. Despite her not being physically in front of me, I find myself having the same childish reaction.

"I—I don't know if it ended. I didn't leave on good terms. I tried, but—I don't know what happened. It's been over a month, he still hasn't messaged me back. I'm scared of going back now mom. I'm scared that he won't be there anymore when I return. Or that he'll forget about me."

I begin to pick at the grass beneath me.

"But you said you never stopped loving dad. That must have been hard. Maybe I should try to forget about him. If he won't forgive me I don't think I can move on without forgetting him. I don't want to live in regret like you said you did, but... do you think I can find someone and feel the same things again? Were those feelings even love? I wish you were here to tell me what it was like."

I frustratingly sigh, "I don't even know what I'm saying anymore."

I stay by her tombstone for another hour, talking about my experiences in Korea. And my plans for the future.

***

I end up not returning for the second semester, but Koko does not seem too mad when I tell her this. I want to be properly prepared before I go back to Korea.

So this Spring and Summer I work part-time and take TOPIK courses downtown. I passed the TOPIK I test in April fairly easily, but the next level has proven to be more difficult. Instead of conversational Korean, as I learned quite quickly, it begins to move into bigger terms and concepts seen in news stories. My goal is to reach the fourth grade before going back to Korea, where I can take more courses and hopefully, eventually, pass the final exam.

I want to work as a sort of translator, maybe someone that helps foreigners gain Korean citizenship. To do so I need to have passed the exams and go for some more schooling afterwards. There's something about learning about other people's stories, and their reasons for starting a new life in Korea, that has inspired me to focus on my language skills. I want to help these people have a smooth transition into their lives in Korea. My grandfather is really proud of this plan, even if it isn't the highest paying job out there.

And so that is what I do while in Canada. During my stay, I am able to visit my mom very often, and eventually, it becomes clear to me that I'm ready to say goodbye for good. While my first goodbye was against my will, this one feels just right. I finally am able to put my past behind me and move on without any burdens weighing me down.

Or at least almost no burdens. Taeyoung's shunning of me has left me perplexed. Koko has tried to contact him with no luck.
Apparently even Max can't make him speak about me, which creates a dull sickness in my stomach when I remember just how much Taeyoung seemed to respect him before. Now that I feel better about everything, about my mother, I can't help but feel disappointed that something like this had to happen.

Eventually, I have to force myself to forget about him. But it seems impossible.

But as time crawls by, things get easier and easier, forgiving and forgetting proves to be less difficult, and I finally feel prepared to start a new life.

So once the end of September rolls around, I pack my things and say my farewells.

. . .

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Love,

Sooaura