Urrggghhhh... I just need to rant, so that's what I'm gonna do. Oh, first of all, I just want to apologize for not updating in so long. A lot happened with my depression, so yeah... Since I've last updated, I've gotten called some disgusting slurs, misgendered a countless amount of times, I've lost all motivation, my dysphoria has gotten even worse, I feel even more lonely, and I feel completely hopeless.
Nothing has gotten better at home. I don't have anywhere else to go. I don't want to deal with this stuff anymore. I still don't think I'm a valid boy, and people are STILL not taking me seriously. My family is still unsupportive as all hell, my extended family doesn't even know I'm transgender.
My mom still treats me like I'm a dirty little secret. I've been getting hate at a friggin' THERAPEUTIC PROGRAM for frick's sake, where I'm supposed to get emotional support!!! I don't get support at home, I can't get help from the staff at the program, nobody from school helps me, my therapist doesn't help me, my mom fugging refuses to let me see a gender specialist!!!
Ugh... Therapists, and even a psychiatrist have tried to explain to my mom what I'm going through, and you know what? She implied that it was all B FUGGING S! She refuses to let me be myself and I'm just tired of it. My sister laughs at me and gives me evil smirks when someone calls me Shane in front of her. Not even my case manager respects my name or pronouns.
I'm sick of this crap. My friends don't respond to my texts for days, so when I'm alone, in the dark, in my room, sobbing and begging for help, they're not even there. I know they're busy, and they have their own lives, but when they need help I'm always there for them. I tried explaining to my mom what I'm going through, and she dismissed as a deep insecurity and that I'm just trying to hide who I really am, which is a girl.
I have no one. I'm depressed, I'm lonely, I'm hopeless. I haven't even showered for weeks because of my dysphoria. I'm fat and ugly, and nobody will ever love me. I'll never get to start hormone therapy or get surgery. I'm not going to graduate next school year. I'll never look good in anything I wear. I'll never be good enough for anyone, especially myself.
I should just give up on everything.
YOU ARE READING
Being FtM Transgender
Non-FictionJust some stuff about being trans that others may be able to relate to, and feel that they are not alone in the struggles.
