the journal - h.s.

84

[amber’s pov]

Not a single sound escaped his lips. I watched how his busted lip had grown a deeper red in color. His frown still in place. Instead he elegantly pushed himself off of the wall he had been leaning against and took a step towards the door, not meeting my gaze. His face carved in ancient cold stone that expressed nothing. An old mask which he had worn for so long. I didn’t know how to feel about him acting this way. I couldn’t be sure whether he was just deep in thoughts or purposely trying to lock me out. Could he really just let me out that easily?

With my heart in my throat I watched him from my seat till he eventually put a hand on the door handle - still with his back towards me. I watched his mess of brown hair whose feeling to my touch I knew so very well. His strong shoulders. The way he always leaned more to one side than the other. I didn’t dare to speak a word afraid of something. That he would tell me to stop whatever I was trying to do and let him be maybe? What was he thinking?

With his eyes still nailed on the door; his hoarse voice was suddenly heard. It didn’t come out as weak nor strong, not confident neither unsure. It was just a numb sound; a line of facts spoken out loud with no special interest nor disinterest; “maybe I don’t trust myself.”

Then he finally turned and looked back at me. I wasn’t sure what met his gaze as he watched me with those thoughtful eyes; someone he loved or someone he had already succeeded in excluding? I watched his bruised face with a heart that was falling apart though I wouldn’t acknowledge it. Half of my mind kept screaming that actions showed more than what words could ever tell; that he did love me, that he at least had loved me. The other half kept whispering questions as to why he hadn’t said it then? But it was stupid to think like this; this was all because of his prick of a father.

I wanted to wipe away the invisible tears that were falling in streams from his lack of warmth. From the fact that he was showing me the same facade like he did to all the others. He pushed the door open furiously and exited to my complete disbelief. He didn’t even look at me twice. He left me alone in the office while the echo from his steps resounded down the narrow hall.

I sat in complete shock - I wasn’t sure for how long. But suddenly some wild fury of angry flames was ignited in my chest; the green eyes had seemed so unfairly lost still. I felt my breath hitching. This couldn’t be right. The flames filled up every vein running from my heart as I watched him push the door open and walk away over and over in my mind. With each replay I only grew more frustrated. My eyes pressed tightly closed it felt like I was being suffocated by darkness. What was he doing? Why was he acting so stupid? Why was he so selfish? Why was he so proud and stubborn? Why did he let his father do this to him? It didn’t matter - none of it did.

I wasn’t sure how but suddenly a yell of anger escaped my lips as I pushed myself out of the chair and stormed out of the room. Stormed after him. My sight was blurry. The hallway was a big white mess I couldn’t see the details of. How dared he? He couldn’t do this to me. He had promised me to not fucking do something like this!

The fire was eating me up. Every frustration, every word, every touch, every fucking fluttering heartbeat for him. He couldn’t just throw it all away like this - I wouldn’t allow it.

I entered the lobby wiping my eyes angrily - glad I wasn’t wearing any make up today.  My eyes found the receptionist as a sob vibrated through me. I clenched my teeth before I stormed across the fancy hall. The couple who had been seated in the sofa area was gone.

“Can I help you-” the woman stopped mid sentence and her smile fainted as she took in the view of my tormented face.

“Do you know where he is? Harry - Harry Styles?” My words came out in some weird mix of great affection and complete frustration as I stated his name. I was both so awfully pissed over his way of handling things but at the same time I wanted nothing else than to kiss every part of his skin and see him smile. Another wave of the salty water pressing their way into my sight. I wiped them away again.